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MAKMERM 

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AT    LQ)S  ANGELES 


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Charles   A,   Marsh 
to  Mu  Lambda 


THE    TRIALS    OF    A 
STUMP  -  SPEAKER. 


BY 


HENRY  S.  WILCOX 


AUTHOR  OF  FOIBLES  OF  THE  BENCH,  FOIBLES  OF  THE 

BAR,  FOIBLES  OF  THE  JURY,  FALLACIES  OF  THE 

LAW,  A  STRANGE  FLAW,  ETC. 


A  SERIES  OF  SKETCHES  AND  HUMOROUS 
INCIDENTS  THAT  HAPPENED  DURING 
THE  MANY  YEARS'  EXPERIENCE  OF 
THE  AUTHOR,  AND  PARTICULARLY 
DURING      THE       CAMPAIGN       OF       1888. 


OOPYRIQHT,   1906,  BV   HeNRY  S.  WILCOX. 


LEGAL  LITERATURE  COMPANY 
CHICAGO 


5  WfGr^t 


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The  Trials  of  a  Stump  Speaker 


4  CHAPTER  I. 

-0 


CHANGING    PARTIES. 


J? 

\ 

'^  Born  of  Republican  parents  and  nursed  upon 

3  Republican   milk,   swaddled   in  the    New   York 

i.  Tribune,  rocked  in  the  cradle  to  the  tune  of  "John 

0  Brown's   Body"  as  a  lullaby,  there  was   every 

^  prospect  that  I  would  be  an  ossified  Republican, 

^  relishing  every  product  of  the  caucus  or  conven- 

li  tion  of  that  party,  however  unpalatable  it  might 

i  be.     But  as  the  time  approached  when  I  should 

t  become  a  voter,  I  listened  to  the  siren  song  of 

Peter  Cooper,  that  old  patriarch  of  equal  rights, 

J^  and  was  jolted  by  heavy  blows  from  the  sledge- 

5  hammer  of  Benjamin  F.  Butler,  the  Vulcan  of 

C  iconoclasts.    The  result  was  that  when  I  went  to 

the  polls  for  the  first  time  1  cast  my  vote  for  the 

o  National   Greenback   Party   as   proudly   as   any 

I-  « 


CiJ 


L 


f4>t^Os^v' 


0 


4  TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER. 

signer  of  the  Declaration  of  Independence  affixed 
his  name  thereto.  From  that  time  until  the  year 
1888,  I  carried  wood  and  water  and  did  all  kinds 
of  chores  for  the  leaders  of  the  Greenback  or- 
ganization, holding  myself  ready  at  all  times  to 
go  anywhere  and  make  a  speech  or  attend  a  cau- 
cus or  convention  for  the  upbuilding  of  the  last- 
named  party.  Great,  indeed,  were  the  sacrifices 
to  which  the  leaders  of  the  party  submitted.  Few 
have  ever  surpassed  them  as  popular  orators  and 
none  in  the  dogged  persistency  with  which  they 
clung  to  their  pet  idea.  But  there  is  a  limit  to 
human  endurance,  and  fondest  hopes  must  some- 
times grow  weary.  If  you  have  long  watched 
over  a  calf,  feeding  it  the  richest  milk  and  most 
nourishing  provender,  and  you  see  it  does  not 
grow  a  bit,  you  will  lose  interest  in  the  runt. 
Much  worse  was  the  experience  of  those  who 
toiled  for  the  Greenback  Party,  for  it  became 
smaller  each  year  until  finally  it  even  lost  its  name 
and  a  new  association  called  the  Union  Labor 
Party  was  organized  out  of  its  fragments.  Nine 
years  of  toil  satisfied  me  that  the  third  party 
scheme  was  a  failure.  An  attempt  to  grow  a  tree 
from  an  acorn  between  two  monarchs  of  the 
forest  must  ever  result  in  failure.  The  large  trees 
with  their  spreading  roots  will  suck  up  the  mois- 


TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER.  5 

ture  and  nutriment  from  below,  and  their  inter- 
lacing branches  shut  out  the  sunlight  and  air 
from  above,  and  the  little  shoot  be  starved  out. 
Thus  when  two  great  parties  nearly  equally  di- 
vide between  them  the  voters  of  the  country  they 
will,  in  their  powerful  competition  for  control, 
gradually  disintegrate  any  sporadic  attempt  at 
a  new  party  organization.  The  boy  who  climbed 
the  mule's  tail  met  with  disaster.  He  exclaimed 
through  his  tears  to  his  doting  parent:  "Papa,  I 
will  never  be  your  pretty  boy  again."  "No,"  re- 
plied his  father,  "you  may  never  be  handsome, 
but  you  will  know  more."  My  experience  with 
the  Greenback  Party  has  made  me  wiser,  and  I 
am  confident  that  no  prospect,  however  alluring, 
can  interest  me  in  another  tliird  party  project. 
When  the  bright  star  that  I  followed  with  such 
unwavering  zeal  became  too  pale  to  be  seen  and 
gradually  faded  from  the  horizon,  I  naturally 
turned  to  my  first  love  and  announced  my  purpose 
of  supporting  Benjamin  Harrison  of  Indiana, 
who  had  been  named  as  candidate  for  President 
of  the  United  States  against  Grover  Cleveland, 
then  candidate  for  re-election.  Previous  to  that 
time  the  Republican  editors  had  denounced  me  as 
a  crank,  lunatic  and  anarchist,  until  those  epi- 
thets became  a  monotonous  rub-a-dub-dub.  Upon 


6  TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER. 

learning  that  I  would  support  their  ticket,  they 
were  as  profuse  with  flattering  comments  as  a 
circus  bill.  The  Greenback  press  then  suddenly 
discovered  that  I  had,  concealed  behind  a  shining 
exterior,  qualities  of  perfidy  that  made  Benedict 
Arnold  seem  a  patriot,  and  Judas  Iscariot  a  true 
apostle.  Political  slander,  however,  is  neither 
calculated  nor  intended  to  deceive.  It  gives  ex- 
pression to  malice,  but  no  one  need  fear  it.  It 
does  its  object  more  good  than  harm.  The  breath 
of  liars  makes  political  fame.  As  long  as  a  citi- 
zen follows,  obsequiously,  the  lead  of  his  party 
he  is  regarded  as  lumber  in  the  machine,  and  his 
identity  is  lost  like  a  drop  of  water  in  the  sea ;  but 
when  he  asserts  an  independent  judgment  he  be- 
comes a  rock  against  which  the  excited  political 
waves  dash  furiously,  filling  the  air  about  him 
with  froth  and  foam. 

When  I  joined  the  Republican  Party  I  did  not 
recant  or  recall  any  of  my  utterances,  nor  was  I 
asked  to  advocate  any  new  doctrine.  I  was  ar 
once  placed  at  the  head  of  a  club,  elected  a  dele- 
gate to  the  State  Convention,  and  by  it  nominated 
for  Presidential  elector.  To  make  room  for  me, 
the  old  pioneers  and  battle-scarred  war-horses 
were  driven  away  from  the  trough.  For  a  time  I 
was  a  great  light,  about  which  flitted  the  insig- 


TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER.  7 

nificant  insects  that  composed  the  party's  rank 
and  file.  It  was  not  long,  however,  before  this 
adulation  excited  envy.  This  was  evidenced  by 
occasional  thrusts  from  unexpected  quarters. 
When  I  was  entering  the  State  Convention  the 
crowd  cheered  so  loudly  and  so  great  a  number 
called  for  me  to  speak  that  the  business  on  hand 
was  suspended  until  I  could  be  heard  from.  The 
chairman  was  envious,  and  he  said,  as  he  intro- 
duced me,  "The  prodigal  has  returned.  Let  us 
kill  the  fatted  calf."  The  applause  that  followed 
was  terrific,  but  it  was  as  great  when  I  replied, 
"No,  gentlemen,  don't  kill  the  calf.  Let  him  con- 
tinue to  live  and  act  as  chairman,"  and  I  gently 
waved  my  hand  toward  the  chair.  I  told  the  con- 
vention that  I  regarded  my  reception  as  most 
appropriate ;  that  I  needed  something  to  counter- 
act the  bad  breath  that  the  Greenback  and  Demo- 
cratic leaders  had  been  blowing  upon  me;  that 
from  the  tone  of  the  Republican  press  I  was  led 
to  believe  that  I  had  come  to  fill  an  aching  void ; 
that  the  Republican  Party,  like  Diogenes  of  old, 
had  long  been  searching  for  an  honest  man  and 
they  had  been  more  successful  than  the  old  phil- 
osopher, for  they  had  at  last  found  one.  Here 
the  chairman  asked,  "Where  is  he?"  I  replied, 
"Have  I  been  so  long  among  you  and  yet  you 


8  TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER. 

know  me  not?"  "You  may  be  honest,"  retorted 
the  chairman,  "but  I  see  no  signs  of  it."  I  re- 
plied, "Behold  it  is  written  a  wicked  and  adulter- 
ous generation  seeketh  after  a  sign,  but  no  sign 
shall  be  given  them."  Then  some  one  from  the 
gallery  yelled,  "You  joined  the  Republican  Party 
to  get  an  office !"  "You  went  to  the  penitentiary 
to  learn  a  trade !"  I  retorted.  After  the  commo- 
tion had  subsided  I  said:  "The  charge  that  I 
joined  the  Republican  Party  to  get  an  offic©  has 
been  made  so  frequently  that  I  begin  to  believe 
it  myself,  although  I  know  it  is  a  lie.  Still  I 
would  like  to  have  it  understood  that  while  I  am 
not  insensible  to  the  honors  that  my  fellow  citi- 
zens may  thrust  upon  me  without  solicitation,  I 
do  not  propose  to  kiss  any  man's  wife,  his  man- 
servant, his  maid-servant,  his  ox  or  anything 
that  is  his  to  get  into  office." 

No  sooner  had  the  convention  adjourned  than 
letters  began  to  come  from  all  parts  of  the  State 
beseeching  me  to  address  the  people.  One  was 
signed  by  a  dozen  prominent  men,  assuring  me 
that  everybody  in  that  vicinity  and  for  twenty 
miles  around  could  not  be  content  until  I  ad- 
dressed them.  To  this  I  replied  that  I  would  feel 
greatly  flattered  by  the  assurance  made  if  only  I 
could  believe  it,  and  in  order  to  ascertain  the 


TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER.  9 

facts,  I  proposed  to  speak  in  that  locality  if  one 
thousand  persons  would  raise  two  and  one-half 
cents  apiece  to  pay  me  for  my  expenses  incurred 
while  doing  so,  or  I  would  speak  if  a  less  number 
would  guarantee  the  entire  sum.  As  I  received 
no  reply  to  this  letter  I  have  sometimes  doubted 
the  said  assurance. 

The  annoyances  I  experienced  in  all  other  ways 
did  not  equal  tiiose  coming  to  me  from  curbstone 
politicians.  Whenever  I  appeared  on  the  streets, 
some  one  would  hail  me  and  ask  a  question  about 
politics  and  then  proceed  to  give  the  answer  him- 
self in  a  very  offensive  manner.  A  crowd  would 
immediately  gather,  and  before  I  knew  it  I  would 
be  involved  in  a  joint  discussion  which  I  could 
not  abandon  without  appearing  to  fly  and  could 
not  conduct  without  exhausting  my  strength  so 
as  to  unfit  me  for  the  discharge  of  the  day's  du- 
ties in  my  profession.  For  several  days  I  began 
the  morning  with  the  resolution  that  I  would  re- 
frain from  political  arguments,  but  before  an 
hour  had  elapsed,  I  found  myself  neck  deep  in 
the  boiling  broth  of  a  sidewalk  discussion,  and 
when  night  came  I  had  accomplished  nothing  ex- 
cept furnishing  a  talking  mark  for  some  zealot 
who  had  political  hydrophobia  in  its  most  viru- 
lent stage.     Finally  I  concluded  that  if  I  must 


10         TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER. 

discuss  politics  it  would  be  better  to  abandon 
everything  else  and  take  the  stump.  There  I 
could  air  my  magnificent  views  to  vast  audi- 
ences instead  of  attempting  to  convert  the  seventy 
millions  in  the  nation  by  arguing  with  each  one 
separately. 


TRIALS  Of  A  STUMP  SPEAKER.         ii 


CHAPTER  II. 

A    COLD    AUDIENCE. 

Few  realize  the  prodigious  labor  necessary  to 
conduct  a  Presidential  campaign.  The  fountain- 
head  of  political  enthusiasm  is  the  National  Com- 
mittee, having  its  principal  ofifices  in  New  York, 
and  as  subsidiary  to  it  and  acting  under  its  su- 
pervision are  the  central  committees  of  the  several 
States.  The  national  organization  makes  assess- 
ments upon  the  various  Republican  officeholders 
and  solicits  contributions  from  persons  and  cor- 
porations interested  in  the  result  of  the  election 
and  thus  collects  the  "sinews  of  war."  It  en- 
gages campaign  orators  and  assigns  them  to  the 
States  and  provides  for  their  compensation,  ex- 
pecting the  State  committees  to  defray  their  ex- 
penses while  speaking  in  the  several  States.  It 
compiles  and  issues  a  campaign  book  for  the  use 
of  stumpers,  which  contains  all  the  stock  argu- 
ments that  are  known  to  exist  in  favor  of  the 
position  of  the  party  and  facts  showing  the  fit- 


12  TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER. 

ness  of  the  national  candidates.  My  first  task  in 
preparation  was  to  gorge  myself  with  the  con- 
tents of  this  book.  It  was  larger  than  the  New 
Testament,  and  contained  matter  as  dry  and  un- 
interesting as  the  average  insurance  policy.  En- 
thusiastic as  I  was,  I  could  not  absorb  it.  My 
memory  revolted.  Even  those  passages  that  I 
had  conned  until  I  could  repeat  them  verbatim 
seemed  senseless  to  me.  Whatever  ideas  were 
couched  in  the  verbiage,  failed  to  soak  in.  Dur- 
ing the  ten  days  occupied  by  the  State  Commit- 
tee in  arranging  my  appointments,  this  horrible 
campaign  book  was  a  terror  by  day  and  a  night- 
mare at  night.  I  read  it  through  time  and  again 
seriatim,  then  began  at  the  end  and  read  back 
to  the  beginning,  then  jumped  into  the  middle  of 
it  and  went  back  and  forth  and  criss-cross.  To 
get  some  of  its  turgid  contents  in  my  unrespon- 
sive mind,  I  tried  the  diagram  process.  I  made 
a  skeleton  of  it,  and  drawing  the  ragged  outlines 
before  my  gaze  I  tried  to  cover  their  ugliness 
with  flesh,  hoping  thereby  to  produce  somethiag 
fit  for  exhibition.  But  when  my  time  had  ex- 
pired and  I  was  compelled  to  start  for  my  first 
appointment  I  felt  greatly  distressed  for  lack 
of  preparation.  I  knew  that  I  was  loaded,  that 
I  possessed  all  the  matter  necessary  to  make  a 


TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER.  13 

protracted  speech,  but  it  was  so  unassorted  and 
disarranged  that  the  end  of  my  speech  was  hkely 
to  forget  the  beginning.  As  the  train  rapidly 
sped  through  the  autumn  woods  I  was  uncon- 
scious of  their  gorgeous  hues.  ]\Iy  mind  was 
wandering  over  the  stubble  field  of  this  campaign 
book.  Finally,  when  I  approached  my  destina- 
tion and  heard  the  sonorous  strains  of  a  brass 
band  play  "Here  the  Conquering  Hero  Comes," 
I  experienced  an  enlargement  of  the  heart  that 
made  me  feel  that  I  was  cocked  and  primed  for 
a  multitude  of  Democratic  wildcats.  I  said,  "Let 
me  once  see  the  bloodshot  glint  of  a  Democratic 
eye  and  it  will  inspire  me,  at  once  bring  into  order 
all  my  chaotic  knowledge  like  a  magnet  arranges 
iron  filings.  The  white  heat  of  combat  will  make 
me  glow  with  fervor  until  my  magnetic  presence 
will  charm  my  vast  audience  so  that  I  can  lead 
them  as  easily  into  the  great  Republican  Part\- 
as  the  good  shepherd  places  his  lambs  in  the 
fold." 

It  was  7  40  in  the  evening  when  I  arrived.  I 
bolted  a  supper  of  fried  chicken  and  rushed  from 
the  table  to  the  hall.  There  on  a  high  stage,  in 
a  dimly  lighted  room,  with  a  scattered  audience 
far  below  me,  whose  countenances  were  scarcely 
visible  in  the  blear  light,  I  began. 


14         TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER. 

What  the  hall  lacked  In  ventilation  it  made  up 
in  echo.  I  found  that  the  load  of  poultry  which 
I  carried  spavined  the  wings  of  my  imagination. 
My  wear>^  periods  refused  to  flow  freely.  I  tried 
to  make  up  for  the  slowness  of  my  utterances  by 
increasing  the  volume  of  the  tones.  I  proceeded 
in  a  very  loud  voice  to  turn  the  electric  light  on 
the  Democratic  Party.  I  canonized  the  Republi- 
can managers  as  a  rosary  of  saints.  My  hearers 
were  still  unmoved.  I  then  opened  an  artillery  of 
ridicule.  I  made  the  principles  of  the  Democratic 
Party  appear  exceedingly  lame,  halt  and  decrepit. 
I  cartooned  the  Democratic  leadership.  I  burles- 
qued the  Democratic  position  and  focused  upon 
its  grotesque  center  the  keenest  shafts  of  wit  and 
sarcasm.  My  audience  remained  as  motionless 
as  tombstones  in  an  evening  zephyr. 

I  then  took  off  my  coat,  rolled  up  my  sleeves, 
removed  my  collar,  determined  to  wake  up  my 
audience  or  perish.  I  stated  the  question  to  be 
whether  God  or  Satan  should  reign  in  America. 
I  plunged  at  once  into  the  core  of  this  question. 
1  cannonaded  the  enemies'  ranks  until  I  had  killed 
every  grasshopper  on  the  field.  I  perspired  pro- 
fusely. I  frothed  at  the  mouth.  My  voice  broke 
down.  I  wheezed,  drank  water  and  wheezed 
again.    Still  my  auditors  were  quiet  as  mummies 


TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER.  15 

in  a  sepulcher.  I  was  about  to  conclude  that  they 
were  deaf  or  dead  when  an  event  happened  that 
convinced  me  to  the  contrary.  As  I  was  about 
to  drink  a  second  glass  of  water  one  of  my  audi- 
ence arose  and  said,  "Mr.  Chairman,  I  object  to 
running  a  windmill  by  water." 

The  applause  that  followed  this  objection  was 
terrific.  The  audience  laughed,  clapped  their 
hands,  spanked  their  bodies,  stamped  their  feet 
and  shouted.  Some  bent  double  and  pressed  their 
hands  to  their  shaking  sides  to  keep  their  ribs  in 
place  while  they  te-he'd  to  the  floor.  Some 
slapped  each  other,  threw  their  heads  backwards, 
opened  their  mouths  and  howled  their  emotions  at 
the  ceiling. 

When  tlie  noise  had  subsided  I  said  that  no  one 
but  a  Democrat  could  run  a  windmill  by  whiskey. 
The  retort  evoked  no  enthusiasm.  The  back- 
bone of  my  speech  had  been  broken.  I  gathered 
up  the  fag  ends  and  closed  in  as  good  order  as 
possible.  While  leaving  the  hall  the  chairman 
of  the  meeting  informed  me  that  nearly  all  my 
audience  were  Democrats.  In  this  way  he  ac- 
counted for  the  lack  of  appreciation  shown  dur- 
ing the  delivery  of  the  speech. 


l6         TRIALS  OF  A  olUMP  SPEAKER. 


CHAPTER  III. 

A   CADAVER  IN   OFFICE. 

So  great  was  the  chagrin  experienced  at  my 
first  meeting  that  I  spent  the  remainder  of  the 
night  on  a  restless  pillow,  racked  and  tortured  by 
the  recollection  of  the  fizzle  my  first  effort  had 
caused,  and  my  only  consolation  was  the  thought 
that  on  the  morrow  I  was  to  speak  where  my  Re- 
publican friends  greatly  exceeded  in  number  the 
opposition.  Great  was  my  surprise  when  I  did 
not  hear  a  brass  band  salute  the  train  as  it  arrived 
at  the  station,  and  there  was  no  one  to  meet  me.  I 
found  my  way  to  a  hotel,  registered,  and  asked 
the  landlord  if  arrangements  had  been  made  for 
my  speech.  He  had  heard  nothing  about  it.  I 
walked  along  the  principal  streets.  There  was  an 
air  of  quiet  and  solemnity  painful  to  me.  I  saw 
bills  hanging  in  windows  announcing  political 
meetings  that  had  been  held  the  year  before,  but 
none  relative  to  my  speech.  I  went  to  the  office 
of  the  Republican  newspaper  and  found  it  in  the 


TRIALS ^OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER.  17 

possession  of  a  lean,  faded  girl,  who  said  the 
editor  and  foreman  had  gone  to  a  funeral.  She 
had  not  heard  that  I  was  to  speak,  and  there  had 
been  no  notice  in  the  last  paper.  She  said  the 
Republican  committeeman  had  also  gone  to  the 
funeral.  I  went  up  the  main  street  and  inquired 
of  every  one  I  met,  but  none  had  heard  I  was  to 
speak.  It  seemed  as  if  the  whole  party  had  gone 
to  a  funeral.  At  last  I  found  a  man  who  fished 
a  small  bill  out  of  a  waste-basket,  containing  my 
name.  But  it  did  not  state  when  I  would  speak 
or  what  I  would  speak  about.  The  sight  of  this 
bill  infuriated  me.  I  clutched  it  eagerly,  crammed 
it  into  my  pocket  and  determined  to  find  the 
committeeman  who  had  thus  advertised  my  meet- 
ing, and  relieve  my  pent-up  feelings.  Late  in 
the  afternoon  a  tall,  raw-boned,  ungainly,  lazy- 
looking  fellow  came  sauntering  down  the  street 
and  he  was  pointed  out  to  me  as  the  committee- 
man. I  assailed  him  at  once.  "My  name  is  Wil- 
cox. I  was  sent  here  to  speak  to-night.  Why 
haven't  you  advertised  my  meeting?"  "I  have," 
said  he.  "Where?"  I  asked.  "In  the  bottom  of 
a  waste-basket  or  in  the  mud  of  a  gutter  ?"  "I  got 
out  and  distributed  twenty-five  bills,"  he  drawled. 
I  raised  my  hands  in  horror  and  exclaimed: 
"Twenty-five  bills !    My  God !  think  of  it !    And 


l8         TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER. 

such  bills !"  Taking  the  one  out  of  my  pocket  I 
brandished  it  before  him  and  asked,  "Is  this  in- 
significant scab  one  of  them?  Why,  you  can 
scarcely  see  it  with  the  naked  eye.  You  might 
have  stated  what  kind  of  a  meeting  I  was  to  ad- 
dress and  which  side  of  the  political  fight  I  would 
take."  ''We  didn't  know,"  said  he.  "You  have 
changed  your  politics  so  often  we  didn't  know 
which  side  of  the  fence  you  would  be  on  when 
you  got  here."  "The  condition  of  the  Republi- 
can organization  in  this  town  ought  to  be  suffi- 
cient to  make  me  change  if  anything  would,"  I 
retorted.  "Have  you  any  suggestions  to  make 
relative  to  my  address?"  "Nothing  in  particu- 
lar," he  answered,  "except  I  wish  you  would 
avoid  saying  anything  against  the  Democratic 
Party.  I  am  running  for  office  and  have  several 
Democratic  friends  who  might  be  offended  and 
vote  against  me."  "What  do  you  mean?"  I 
asked,  "by  requiring  me  to  make  a  Republican 
speech  without  saying  anything  against  the 
Democratic  Party?"  "Why,"  he  said,  "a 
speaker  was  sent  here  last  year  by  the  State  Com- 
mittee, who  abused  the  Democratic  Party,  and 
that  speech  lost  us  lots  of  votes."  "Abused  the 
Democratic  Party!"  I  cried,  with  astonishment. 
"I  did  not  suppose  such  a  thing  could  be  done ; 


TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER.  19 

he  must  have  had  a  great  command  of  language !" 
"Well,  he  hurt  their  feelings,  anyway,  and  I  wish 
you  wouldn't  do  that,"  he  persisted.  I  learned 
this  man  had  larded  an  arm-chair  and  roasted 
his  shins  in  a  county  office  for  a  quarter  of  a 
century  until  he  had  become  too  lazv  to  comb  his 
hair,  and  had  barely  life  enough  to  draw  his 
breath  and  his  salary.  He  was  a  fair  sample  of 
the  deadheads  that  usually  creep  into  the  nerve 
centers  of  a  political  organization  after  a  long 
period  of  power.  I  replied,  "I  fear  I  cannot  make 
a  Republican  speech  without  saying  anything 
against  the  Democrats,  but  I  will  try."  And  I 
did.  The  meeting  was  held  in  a  hall  so  dirty 
that  the  rats  might  well  have  held  their  noses 
when  they  ran  over  the  floor.  The  lamp  chim- 
neys were  shaded  with  several  generations  of  fly 
specks.  The  committeeman  was  there  and  a  few 
Republican  officeholders  who  clustered  around  an 
old  rickety  stove  like  nocturnal  bats  huddled  to- 
gether. I  do  not  think  any  Democrats  were  pres- 
ent, but  if  they  were  I  did  not  hurt  their  feelings. 
I  did  not  mention  the  Democratic  Party.  I  fo- 
cussed  my  attention  on  the  committeeman.  I 
strove  to  puncture  his  rhinoceros  hide.  I  ex- 
plained to  him  the  simple  process  of  advertising 
a  meeting,  and  the  necessity  of  procuring  a  de- 


20         TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER. 

cent  hall  for  such  a  pubHc  address.  I  described 
how  the  Republican  Party  was  crippled  by  im- 
becile pap  suckers  who  had  gone  to  sleep  in  the 
cogs  of  the  political  machine.  I  claimed  that  the 
party  in  that  locality  had  no  use  for  a  political 
orator,  but  needed  instead  a  scavenger  to  clean 
out  and  bury  the  offal  and  refuse  of  thirty  years. 
Increasing  in  fervor  as  I  proceeded,  I  declared 
that  I  had  for  many  years  been  the  carrion  clerk 
in  a  rendering  house  where  the  carcasses  of  dead 
hogs  were  converted  into  soap  grease.  That  I 
had  become  familiar  with  acres  of  carrion  and 
the  intolerable  stench  with  which  it  befouls  the 
air,  but  never  before  had  I  beheld  such  a  slough- 
ing aggregation  of  pus  and  putridity  as  had  col- 
lected in  the  core  of  the  Republican  organization 
at  that  point.  My  effort  was  useless.  The  com- 
mitteeman had  fallen  asleep.  When  I  ceased, 
some  one  wakened  him  and  he  came  up  and 
shook  hands  with  me,  congratulating  me  on  my 
splendid  speech  and  expressed  regret  that  so  few 
were  present  to  hear  it. 


TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER.  21 


CHAPTER  IV. 


AT   THE   COUNTY   FAIR. 


iOn  the  following  day  I  was  to  address  a  great 
County  Fair  on  what  was  known  as  "Republican 
Day."  County  Fairs  are  a  collection  of  gambling 
devices  and  catch-penny  concerns,  in  association 
with  a  few  agricultural  implements,  large  vege- 
tables and  fast  horses.  Here  the  raw  gosling 
meanders  from  one  skinning  machine  to  another 
until  his  pockets  are  empty.  Here  are  exhibited 
the  noted  freaks  in  the  country,  both  of  nature 
and  of  art,  horses  with  fleet  limbs,  donkeys  with 
big  voices,  the  two-headed  woman,  the  snake- 
charmer,  and  last  but  not  least  the  political  ora- 
tor. Here  on  the  same  ground  with  the  "Chester 
Whites"  and  the  "Poland  Chinas,"  T  was  placed 
on  exhibition  as  a  sample  of  the  products  of  Iowa 
soil.  Big  pumpkins  and  big  speeches  were  alike 
eagerly  sought  by  the  management. 

I  was  placed  on  a  platform  on  the  north  side 
of  a  bass-wood  amphitheatre.     Immediately   in 


'?-? 


TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER. 

front  of  me  was  a  large  opening  around  which 
blew  the  south  wind  against  my  face.    My  audi- 
ence was  located  on  either  side  of  the  open  space, 
but  so  far  from  me  that  it  would  have  been  im- 
possible for  me,  thus  speaking  against  the  wind, 
to  be  heard,  even  had  I  possessed  a  throat  of 
brass  inspired  with  iron  lungs.     Borne  on  the 
southern  breeze  were  the  noises  of  the  peanut 
venders,  the  gambling  fakirs,  the  side-show  ora- 
tors, the  rattle  of  the  merry-go-rounds,  the  music 
of  the  platform  dance,  the  neighing  of  prize  stal- 
lions and  the  braying  of  remarkable  donkeys,  all 
combined  and  commingled  in  a  great  agricultural 
anthem.    I  stood  in  this  gale  with  the  sun  glaring 
in  my  eyes.    I  sucked  wind  and  belched  it  forth 
with  all  the  force  of  my  being,  trying  by  a  great 
and  almost  superhuman  effort  to  raise  my  voice 
above  the  noise  and  hub-bub  that  was  all  around 
me.    My  audience  sat  in  the  shade,  shelled  pea- 
nuts, conversed  together  and  seemingly  enjoyed 
themselves  just  as  well  as  they  would  have  done 
had  I  not  been  speaking.     They  came  and  went 
when  they  wished  to  and  suffered  no  special  in- 
convenience on  my  account.    I  was  regarded  as 
one  of  the  freaks  on  exhibition.    They  looked  at 
me  as  much  as  they  cared  to  and  then  went  away. 
I  shouted,  I  perspired,  I  sawed  the  air  and  I 


TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER.         23 

spouted  like  a  porpoise.     "What,"  I  asked,  "is 
the  chief  glory  of  this  beloved  country?" 

There  came  wafted  on  the  air  this  reply: 
"Fresh  roasted  peanuts,  double-jointed  peanuts, 
corduroy  peanuts !  Wipe  your  eyes  and  peel  their 
sockets,  warm  your  hands  and  fill  your  pockets! 
Buflf-colored  peanuts,  five  cents  a  glass !" 

"Fellow-countrymen,"  I  thundered,  "behold 
the  sun-bright  record  and  the  achievements  of 
our  grand  old  Republican  Party " 

"Go  right  in  now  and  see  the  great  bald-headed, 
double-bearded  female  orang-outang,  Urebus 
Pnrebus,  from  Heligoland!"  yelled  the  side-show 
orator. 

"Here  the  bosom  of  the  true  patriot  must  heave 
with  righteous  pride,"  I  continued. 

"Here's  where  you  get  your  ice-cold,  rose- 
colored  lemonade,  already  made,  stirred  with  a 
spade,  wrung  from  the  bosom  of  a  South  Ameri- 
can lemon,  forty  degrees  belo^v  the  surface  of  the 
earth,  by  the  light  of  a  diamond." 

"Standing  by  the  tomb  of  the  martyred  Lin- 
coln, what,"  I  asked,  "should  be  the  conduct  of 
a  patriot?" 

"Join  hands  with  your  partners  and  all  circle 
round !"  came  the  answer  from  the  caller  at  the 
platform  dance. 


24         TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER. 

"Listen  to  the  warning  voice  from  the  grave," 
T  continued.  Just  then  the  prize  donkey  lifted  up 
its  voice  and  sang  the  "ahe-hah-ah-ahi-ha-hahe." 
My  speech  was  sandwiched  with  interruptions  of 
the  foregoing  nature  from  persons  selHng  home- 
made pies,  taffy,  candy,  and  toy  balloons,  inter- 
larded with  the  ringing  of  dinner-bells,  beating 
of  gongs  and  tooting  of  tin  trumpets.  The  crow- 
ing of  gleeful  cocks,  squealing  of  hungry  pigs, 
bellowing  of  uneasy  bulls,  and  numerous  barn- 
yard strains  joined  in  the  chorus.  I  competed 
with  this  combination  for  three-quarters  of  an 
hour.  Some  one  then  announced  that  in  fifteen 
minutes  the  great  race  between  "Bare  Bones"  and 
"Betsy  Shanks"  would  occur. 

"What  is  your  horse  race  compared  with  the 
great  Presidential  race?  I  shouted.  "The  Re- 
publican Party  has  entered  a  horse  with  a  record 
and  a  pedigree  as  long  as  the  statute  of  limita- 
tions! The  Democrats  have  furnished  a  critter 
who  has  neither  ancestry  nor  posterity !  The  Re- 
publican animal  is  sound  in  wind,  limb  and  eye- 
sight ;  the  Democratic  beast  is  blind,  wind-broken 
and  spavined!  Our  horse  is  trim  in  build  and 
clean  in  body  and  function.  The  nag  of  tlie 
Democrats  is  bull-necked,  big-bellied,  sway- 
backed,  glandered.  ring-boned  and  covered  with 


TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER.         25 

excrescences !  Which  of  these  do  you  propose  to 
bet  your  money  on  ?  Which  is  the  most  Hable 
to  win  the  race  ?  Why,  gentlemen,  their  weather- 
beaten  combination  of  skin  and  bones,  weakened 
by  disease  and  hunger,  will  be  passed  on  the  first 
quarter-stretch  by  our  beautiful  racer  as  easily 
as  a  comet  passes  the  fixed  star." 

"Say,  Cap,  cut  her  short,'  said  the  chairman. 
"It's  time  for  the  races,  the  horses  are  ready." 

Being  thus  called  down,  I  desisted  from  fur- 
ther interference  with  the  pastimes  and  pleasures 
of  the  audience,  who  were  evidently  more  desir- 
ous of  witnessing  an  exhibition  of  legs  than 
lungs. 


26         TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER. 


CHAPTER  V. 


THE   BLUNDERER. 


The  chagrin  provoked  by  the  failure  of  my 
first  meeting  had  been  deepened  into  disgust  and 
anger  by  my  second,  and  I  v/as  in  no  mood  to 
endure  further  persecution.  I  felt  inclined  to 
cancel  all  my  appointments,  resign  as  candidate 
for  Presidential  elector  and  return  to  my  neg- 
lected business,  but  finally  determined  to  try 
again. 

When  I  arrived  at  my  next  appointment  I 
learned  that  the  committeeman  was  proprietor  of 
a  grist  mill,  a  cheese  factory,  railroad  station 
agent,  sexton  at  the  principal  church,  and  land- 
lord at  the  hotel.  He  forgot  to  meet  me  when 
the  train  arrived,  and  gave  the  room  intended 
for  me  to  a  lightning-rod  agent.  In  publishing 
the  notice  of  my  meeting,  he  made  a  mistake  in 
the  date.  He  hired  a  hall,  but  failed  to  observe 
that  it  had  no  stove  or  heating  apparatus.  At  eight 
o'clock  he  escorted  me  to  the  place.    We  found  it 


TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER.         27 

brilliantly  lighted,  filled  with  empty  chairs  and 
cold  air.     He  said  he  had  intended  to  have  the 
town  band  play  a  few  tunes,  but  he  had  forgotten 
to  make  the  arrangement;  that  he  had  ordered 
some   small   bills,   but  the  printer  had   made  a 
mistake  in  them  and  referred  to  me  as  a  Demo- 
cratic speaker ;  that  he  had  arranged  for  a  ladies' 
choir  to  be  present  and  sing  some  stirring  cam- 
paign songs,  but  by  some  inadvertence  had  told 
them  the  meeting  was  a  day  later.     He  said  it 
was  a  mistake  in  making  an  appointment  at  that 
place  because   there   were   other   points    in   the 
county  which  had  more  need  of  a  speech.     He 
said  unfortunately  the  date  had  been  fixed  on  the 
night  of  a  circus  and  a  church  festival ;  and  also 
on  the  night  of  his  daughter's  \vedding  and  he 
would  have  to  return  home  soon  to  attend  the 
nuptial  ceremony.     I  told  him  I  thought  a  mis- 
take had  been  made  in  electing  him  chairman 
and  another  in  sending  me  to  speak  in  his  county, 
and  advised  him  to  abandon  the  meeting.    This  he 
would  not  accede  to.    I  then  paced  the  hall  with 
my  hands  in  my  pockets,  trying  to  keep  warm 
while  he  went  out  and  hired  a  boy  to  ring  a  bell 
through  the  streets  and  yell:   "There's  goin'  to 
be  spe'kin'  at  the  hall  to-night!"     In  the  course 
of  time  a  few  weary-looking  loafers  came  strag- 


28  TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER. 

gling  in.  They  buttoned  their  coats  close  up 
around  their  chins,  sat  down  on  the  cold  chairs 
and  put  their  hands  in  their  pockets.  As  soon  as 
the  nuptials  were  over  the  committeeman  re- 
turned and  called  the  meeting  to  order. 

In  presenting  me  to  the  audience  he  said  he 
had  the  pleasure  of  introducing  a  political  giant, 
whose  fame  was  so  great  that  his  name  had  be- 
come a  household  word  in  every  cottage  in  the 
State !  and  then  he  had  to  stop  and  ask  me  what 
mv  name  was.  - 

I  then  began.  The  chairman  sat  down,  leaned 
back  against  the  wall  and  propped  his  ponderous 
feet  on  the  chair  rounds.  I  struck  at  once  for 
the  heart  of  my  subject.  I  tackled  the  tariff  ques- 
tion, showed  how  a  high  tariff  raised  the  wages 
of  labor,  and  at  the  same  time  cheapened  the 
price  of  its  products.  The  first  effect  of  the  tariff, 
I  remarked,  was  to  raise  prices,  but  I  said: 
"Gentlemen,  even  now  things  are  about  to  fall." 
This  statement  was  punctuated  by  a  crash.  The 
chairman's  chair  suddenly  gave  way  and  he 
tumbled  backward  on  the  floor.  This  filled  the 
frosty  atmosphere  with  merriment.  The  chair- 
man selected  another  chair  and  I  continued.  My 
argument  now  took  a  pathetic  turn.  I  spoke  of 
the  poor  Irish  peasant  who  lives  on  grass.    I  de- 


TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER.         29 

scribed  the  famine-stricken  multitude  who  were 
leaning  their  gaunt  forms  over  the  Atlantic  and 
extending  their  skeleton  hands,  begging  alms 
from  the  world.  I  bored  for  water.  I  spoke  of 
the  Irish  babies  who  were  so  thin  that  it  was 
necessary  to  soak  them  in  alum  water  to  get  them 
to  hold  milk.  I  described  them  nursing  on  shriv- 
eled bosoms  that  were  so  poor  the  moonlight 
shone  through  them  unobstructed.  I  related 
these  terrible  tales  with  gushing  tears,  but  the 
audience  did  not  share  my  pathos.  They  tittered 
and  chuckled  with  laughter  all  the  time.  I  won- 
dered at  this  until  I  heard  a  whine.  Then  I  no- 
ticed a  large  black  dog  sitting  on  his  hind  legs 
beside  me  on  the  stage,  loooking  mournfully  at 
the  audience.  Here  he  had  been  sitting  and  whin- 
ing unnoticed  by  me  during  my  pathetic  Irish  ap- 
peal. I  kicked  him  from  the  platform,  saying  at 
the  same  time:  "No  Democrats  allowed  to  sit 
on  the  stage." 

When  the  commotion  caused  by  this  incident 
subsided  I  resumed  my  argument.  I  spoke  of  the 
bleak  poverty  of  my  parents  and  the  hard  for- 
tune that  befell  me  in  youth  when  I  drank  from 
frog  ponds  and  grubbed  land  at  five  dollars  an 
acre  and  received  compensation  in  yellow-legged 
chickens  at  one  dollar  apiece.     This  deeply  af- 


30         TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER. 

fected  one  of  my  auditors,  he  arose  and  inter- 
rupted me  by  proposing  that  a  collection  be  taken 
for  my  benefit.  This  I  declined,  explaining  that 
I  was  now  quite  prosperous  on  account  of  the 
bounty  of  Providence  and  the  wise  legislation  of 
the  Republican  Party.  I  then  expatiated  on  the 
numerous  comforts  which  Republican  legislation 
had  given  the  country. 

When  I  spoke  of  the  warm  houses,  my  few 
auditors  shivered  in  the  cold.  When  I  spoke  of 
the  good  clothes,  they  covered  the  cofifee-sack 
patches  on  their  knees  with  their  hands. 

Before  I  began  my  speech  I  had  told  the  chair- 
man I  must  leave  on  the  train  at  lo  :i5,  and  asked 
him  to  stop  me  at  ten  o'clock.  This  he  promised 
to  do.  Wliile  speaking,  I  heard  an  engine 
whistle.  I  looked  at  my  watch  and  found  it  was 
already  train  time.  Hoping  I  might  still  get  the 
train,  I  grabbed  my  coat,  hat  and  valise  and 
started  on  a  run  for  the  depot,  but  I  was  too  late. 
I  had  to  remain  for  the  train  that  was  due  at 
three  in  the  morning.  In  a  little  while  the  com- 
mitteeman reached  the  depot  and  explained  to  me 
the  cause  of  his  failure  to  stop  me  at  ten  o'clock. 
He  said  his  watch  had  stopped  without  his  knowl- 
edge. He  insisted  that  I  go  to  tlie  hotel  and  sleep 
until  half-past  two  in  the  morning  and  he  would 


TRIALS  or  A  STUMP  SPEAKER.         31 

see  that  I  was  called  in  time  for  the  train.  1 
thanked  him  for  his  kindness,  but  said  that  I  was 
afraid  some  unavoidable  mistake,  inevitable  ac- 
cident, unheard-of  misfortune,  or  never-to-l.c- 
expected  inadvertency  would  prevent  his  waking 
me  in  time,  and  I  preferred  remaining  awake  to 
placing  my  reliance  on  this  ill-fated  committee- 
man. I  became  very  anxious  to  leave  the  scene 
of  constant  mistake  and  misfortune.  I  dared  not 
doze  an  instant  for  fear  some  dreadful  calamity 
would  befall  me.  I  felt  in  constant  danger  lest 
the  roof  of  the  depot  cave  in,  a  v/hirlwind  pick 
up  the  town  and  scatter  it,  or  an  earthquake  shake 
it  to  pieces  and  drop  the  fragments  on  a  lava  bed. 
The  train  was  an  hour  late,  but  at  last  it  came 
and  I  boarded  it  and  in  the  gray  morning  was  on 
the  way  to  my  next  appointment. 


32         TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER. 


CHAPTER  VI. 

A  GREAT  MEETING 

When  within  forty  miles  of  my  next  appoint- 
ment I  was  awakened  from  my  uncomfortable 
position  in  the  ordinary  coach,  where  I  had  been 
trying  to  get  a  little  sleep,  by  five  gentlemen,  who 
introduced  themselves  as  a  committee  sent  out 
to  meet  me  and  escort  me  to  the  city.  After  each 
had  been  properly  introduced  and  a  few  formal 
remarks  been  made,  one  of  them  said :  "We  came 
specially  to  urge  you  not  to  say  anything  against 
prohibition.  We  have  many  ardent  prohibition- 
ists in  our  city  who  will  probably  vote  with  us  if 
you  do  not  offend  them."  "Have  no  fears  for  me, 
gentlemen,"  I  said,  "for  I  have  long  occupied 
the  crank  row  in  the  Prohibition  army."  "And 
we,"  said  another,  speaking  for  the  three  others 
whom  he  pointed  out,  "came  as  a  committee  to 
request  you  to  say  nothing  in  favor  of  Prohibi- 
tion, because  in  our  city  we  have  many  anti-Pro- 
hibitionists whom  we  expect  will  vote  for  us  if 


TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER.         33 

not  oflfended."  "Don't  worry  about  that,"  I  said, 
"for  while  I  am,  as  I  previously  remarked,  a 
strong  Prohibitionist,  yet  I  go  to  great  excess  in 
the  matter.  I  am  in  favor  of  prohibiting  Prohi- 
bition itself."  It  was  now  daybreak  and  in  the 
bleak,  frosty  autumn  morning,  worn  and  ex- 
hausted with  excitement  and  loss  of  sleep,  I  tried 
to  smile  and  be  merry  while  this  committee  pro- 
ceeded to  tell  me  what  T  should  say  in  my  speech. 
I  was  advised  to  give  the  Union  soldiers  great 
praise,  but  to  avoid  saying  anything  that  might 
offend  Copperheads  or  Confederates,  as  many  of 
them  were  now  in  the  Republican  Party.  In 
promising  pensions  to  all  I  must  avoid  the  idea 
that  the  expenses  of  Government  would  be 
thereby  increased.  On  the  tariff  question  I  was 
instructed  to  promise  high  wages  to  wage-work- 
ers and  cheap  labor  to  employers,  large  prices  to 
manufacturers  and  low  prices  to  consumers.  On 
the  money  question  T  was  to  show  how  stopping 
the  coinage  of  silver  had  increased  the  volume  of 
money,  and  to  condemn  Grover  Cleveland  for  try- 
ing to  stop  the  silver  coinage  for  the  purpose  of 
contracting  the  volume  of  currency.  I  was  or- 
dered to  account  for  the  hard  times  by  over-pro- 
duction and  failure  of  crops,  and  to  prove  that 
the  best  interests  of  the  Democratic   Partv  re- 


34  TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER. 

quired  it  to  place  the  Republican  Party  in  power. 
These  were  a  few  of  the  pieces  of  advice  be- 
stowed upon  me  so  liberally  by  this  committee. 

I  noticed  bills  posted  on  depots  as  we  were 
whirled  by  on  the  train,  announcing-  in  glowing 
colors  the  great  rally  to  be  held  that  evening. 
It  was  after  sunrise  when  we  arrived  at  our  des- 
tination. As  the  train  approached  the  station  I 
heard  a  band  playing,  and  the  leading  citizens 
were  busily  engaged  in  decorating  their  places  of 
business  with  banners  and  bunting.  More  than  a 
hundred  members  of  a  Republican  marching 
club,  dressed  with  long  ulsters  and  gray  plug 
hats,  had  come  with  the  band  to  meet  me.  It  was 
only  two  blocks  to  the  hotel  where  I  was  to  stop, 
but  they  had  provided  an  open  carriage  for  me  to 
ride  in.  After  being  introduced  to  the  expectant 
citizens  I  was  deposited  in  the  carriage.  The 
procession,  led  by  the  band,  then  wended  its  way 
toward  the  hotel.  Arriving  at  the  hotel,  I  was 
advised  to  take  breakfast  immediately  so  that  I 
could  prepare  for  the  reception  of  the  school- 
teachers of  the  city,  who  had  assembled  in  the 
parlors  aw-aiting  an  opportunity  to  greet  me. 
Prominent  members  of  the  Republican  Party 
went  with  me  to  breakfast  and  kept  up  a  constant 
stream  of  questions  and  advice  during  the  entire 


TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER.         35 

time  I  was  eating.  When  I  had  finished  I  brushed 
the  dust  from  my  wrinkled  apparel  and  proceeded 
to  receive  the  school-teachers.  Headed  by  the 
superintendent,  a  bevy  of  care-worn  young 
women  passed  in  line  before  me,  extending  to  me 
their  intellectual  palms.  Some  had  dry,  bony 
fingers  that  crackled  and  rattled  when  I  seized 
them ;  some  cold,  wet  hands  that  oozed  like  a 
sponge  in  my  grasp ;  some  soft,  warm,  electric 
palms  that  made  me  wish  to  be  a  schoolboy  again 
that  I  might  be  spanked  by  them.  When  I  had 
received  these  I  was  informed  that  the  Mayor 
and  his  retinue  were  waiting.  As  soon  as  I  sig- 
nified that  I  would  see  them,  the  Islayor  entered, 
followed  by  the  council,  police  and  other  city  offi- 
cers. After  these  came  the  lawyers,  doctors,  min- 
isters, merchants  and  many  other  branches  of 
business,  also  members  of  various  lodges.  Dur- 
ing the  entire  time  the  band  played  in  front  of 
the  hotel. 

I  received  invitations  to  go  to  the  courtrooms 
and  sit  on  the  bench  with  the  judges.  I  was 
urged  to  occupy  the  box  in  a  theater  at  the  mat- 
inee. I  was  cordially  invited  to  many  private 
houses  for  dinner.  Some  claimed  they  were  rela- 
tives of  mine ;  others  that  they  knew  my  parents 
before  I  was  born.     I  was  asked  to  recommend 


36         TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER. 

others  for  federal  appointments;  and  some  of  a 
more  mercenary  turn  tried  to  sell  me  receipts  for 
removing  warts  and  to  cure  corns. 

Among  that  great  crowd  that  gathered  around 
me  were  the  newspaper  reporters.  They  adjusted 
their  pumps  to  extract  my  opinions  on  the  lead- 
ing questions  of  the  day.  I  told  them  that  mar- 
riage might  be  a  failure,  but  the  Republican  party 
was  a  grand  success;  that  the  frosts  of  autumn 
would  spare  the  corn  and  take  the  Democratic 
Party.  All  this  served  to  keep  me  talking  until 
night  came.  I  was  not  allowed  one  moment's 
rest.  As  soon  as  it  was  dark  the  torchlight  pro- 
cession began  to  form  a  block  away  from  the 
hotel,  and  a  vast  multitude  came  out  to  see  it. 
There  were  fifteen  hundred  torches  and  three 
brass  bands  in  the  procession.  At  the  head  of 
this  procession  marched  the  police  on  foot,  then 
came  the  carriage  drawn  by  four  white  horses, 
in  which  I  rode  in  company  with  the  county 
chairman  and  the  candidate  for  Congress.  The 
line  of  march  was  along  crowded  streets  where 
hundreds  of  men,  women  and  children  clapped 
their  hands,  waved  their  handkerchiefs  and 
shouted  as  I  passed.  It  was  glorious,  indeed !  At 
last  we  reached  a  high  platform  in  the  middle  of 
a  public  square,  from  which  it  was  designed  that 


TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER.         37 

I  should  speak.  There  were  acres  of  people 
about  me.  After  a  selection  by  the  band  had 
been  played  and  the  Glee  Club  had  sung  a  song, 
the  chairman  announced  that  while  the  crowd 
was  gathering  the  candidate  for  Congress  would 
make  a  few  remarks.  He  was  well  known  as  a 
distressing  speaker.  His  lack  of  brilliancy  was 
made  up  in  length.  He  possessed  a  small, 
cracked,  squeaky  voice,  but  though  weak  in  voice 
he  was  strong  in  gesticulation.  He  had  a  coarse, 
ugly  face,  yet  its  absence  of  beauty  was  supplied 
in  brass.  His  ideas  were  meagre  and  common- 
place, but  he  had  plenty  of  words.  His  few  re- 
marks continued  for  two  hours  and  a  quarter, 
during  which  time  the  audience  gradually  dis- 
persed. Frequently  during  his  speech  he  referred 
to  me  as  an  orator  who  would  follow  him  with  a 
great  speech.  Many  times  he  protested  that  he 
did  not  intend  to  make  a  speech,  but  only  to  oc- 
cupy a  few  minutes  while  the  crowd  was  gather- 
ing. After  all  those  who  dared  to  leave  had  gone 
home  and  only  the  committeemen  and  a  few  can- 
didates remained,  he  introduced  me  as  the  young 
Demosthenes  who  would  plead  the  Republican 
cause.  I  arose  and  thanked  the  audience  for  their 
kind  attention  during  the  long,  weary  hours  they 
had  stood  on  tired  feet  with  such  patience,  listen- 


2^         TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER. 

ing  to  the  crushing  arguments  of  their  candidate, 
but  I  insisted  that  there  were  laws  to  prevent 
cruelty  to  animals,  and  I  thought  the  audience 
under  that  law  was  entitled  to  some  protection. 
Therefore  I  would  not  detain  them,  but  hoped  at 
some  future  time  it  might  be  my  pleasure  to  ad- 
dress them.  Then  the  meeting  adjourned.  T 
walked  back  to  the  hotel  with  the  committeeman. 
The  scene  of  splendor  that  accompanied  my  tri- 
umphal ride  to  the  platform  had  passed  away.  We 
went  along  quietly  through  the  dark  streets. 
Once  he  broke  the  silence  by  expressing  a  regret 
that  I  had  been  deprived  of  an  opportunity  to 
make  my  speech.  I  answered  that  it  was  a  great 
pleasure  to  be  used  as  a  billboard  to  advertise 
another  man.  When  we  reached  the  hotel  there 
were  no  delegations  waiting  to  receive  me.  The 
chairman  asked  me  to  excuse  him  and  went  home. 
I  entered  the  hotel,  saw  the  clerk  and  asked  him 
for  my  key.  He  inquired  my  name;  I  told  him, 
received  the  key  and  v^^ent  to  my  room  as  un- 
noticed as  any  other  stranger.  The  pageant  of 
political  splendor  had  passed,  the  fox  fare  had 
paled,  the  great  man  of  the  morning  had  become 
common  clay. 


TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER.         39 


CHAPTER  VII. 


PRINTERS      INK. 


None  of  my  previous  disappointments  had 
caused  me  so  much  distress  as  my  last  one.  It 
was  like  jerking  me  from  a  warm,  perfuincd 
couch  into  a  pool  of  ice-water.  I  was  now  mad, 
and  when  I  reached  my  next  appointment  and  no 
one  met  me  at  the  train,  and  I  found  no  arrange- 
ments had  been  made  for  my  entertainment  at 
the  hotel,  and  no  bills  were  posted  announcing  my 
speech,  I  became  hot.  ''Where  is  the  Republi- 
can committeeman?"  I  demanded  of  the  landlord 
at  the  hotel. 

"He  is  a  lawyer,  and  his  office  is  over  the  brick 
store  on  the  next  corner  south  of  here,"  he  an- 
swered. 

"I  want  to  see  him,"  I  said,  and  started  out 
for  that  purpose.  I  found  him  sitting  behind  his 
feet  in  a  filthy  office,  smoking  a  cigar,  compared 
with  which  the  odor  of  a  skunk  is  a  delicious 
perfume. 


40:        TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER. 

"My  name  is  Wilcox.  Are  you  the  Republi- 
can committeeman?"  I  asked. 

"I  expect  I  am,"  he  said. 

''Where  am  I  to  speak  to-night?" 

"At  the  Courthouse." 

"What  is  the  matter  with  the  Opera  House?" 

"It  takes  money  to  rent  it  and  we  are  poor." 

"How  much?" 

"About  five  dollars." 

"Five  dollars!  I've  come  one  hundred  miles 
to  make  a  speech  here  to-night  and  I  must  have 
a  decent  place  to  speak  in.  If  you  can't  pay 
for  the  Opera  House,  I  can.  Come  along  with 
me  and  show  me  the  manager  of  the  house." 

He  reduced  the  slack  in  his  legs,  hitched  up  his 
trousers,  and  took  me  to  the  individual  who  had 
control  of  the  Opera  House.  I  said  to  him,  "I 
came  here  to  speak  to-night  for  the  Republican 
Party.  That  party  has  been  in  continuous  power 
in  this  State  for  more  than  a  quarter  of  a  cen- 
tury and  in  this  locality  from  time  immemorial. 
Its  long  years  of  prosperity  have  made  it  so  poor 
that  it  cannot  pay  for  a  decent  place  to  speak  in. 
I  don't  propose  to  grind  my  vocal  organs  to 
empty  benches  in  a  dingy  old  Courthouse.  I  want 
to  hire  the  Opera  House.  How  much  is  It?  I'll 
pay  it." 


TRIALS  Of  A  STUMP  SPEAKER.         41 

"Not  a  cent,  Mr.  Wilcox,"  said  the  manager, 
bowing  politely. 

"Thank  you.  Have  it  ready  for  a  meeting  to- 
night and  I  will  do  the  rest,"  said  I.  Then  turn- 
ing to  the  committeeman  I  said,  "Show  me  a 
printing  office,  quick."'  He  complied.  I  went 
into  the  office  and  said  to  the  man  in  charge, 
"Give  me  a  pencil  and  a  sheet  of  paper."  He 
handed  them  to  me  and  I  wrote  as  follows : 

BEHOLD ! ! ! ! 

HENRY  S.  WILCOX,  THE  GREATEST 
WIT,  ORATOR,  NOVELIST,  IN  THE 
KNOWN  WORLD,  WILL  POSITIVELY 
SPEAK  IN  THE  BEHALF  OF  THE  RE- 
PUBLICAN PARTY  AND  ANNIHILATE 
THE  OPPOSITION,  AT  THE  OPERA 
HOUSE  TO-NIGHT.  LADIES  AS  WELL 
AS  GENTLEMEN  WILL  BE  PER^IITTED 
TO  ENJOY  THIS  GREAT  TREAT. 

"Print  this  on  one  thousand  small  hand-bills  as 
soon  as  possible,"  I  said.  "I  will  return  for  them 
in  one  hour." 

Then  I  told  the  committeeman  he  must  intro- 
duce me  to  every  man,   woman  and   child   we 


42         TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER. 

could  find  on  the  streets,  and  in  the  stores.  Re- 
luctantly he  complied.  When  introduced  I  said, 
"I  am  going  to  speak  to-night  at  the  Opera 
House.  If  you  are  a  Republican  come  out  and 
enjoy  yourself.  If  you  are  a  Democrat  come 
and  sit  in  the  gale.  I  will  promise  that  you  shall 
not  take  cold.  Come  out  and  bring  with  you 
every  man  woman  and  child  in  your  neighbor- 
hood. I  will  do  my  best  to  please  you."  In  this 
way  we  went  from  street  corner  to  street  corner, 
and  from  one  business  house  to  another  until  I 
had  hugged  the  palms  of  several  hundred  people 
and  invited  every  one  to  attend  my  meeting.  The 
hour  having  expired,  we  went  for  the  bills.  They 
were  printed.  I  took  them,  and  when  I  had  di- 
vided the  town  into  districts  I  hired  a  boy  for  each 
district  to  distribute  them,  charging  him  to  go  to 
every  house  and  read  the  bill  to  every  one  seen 
on  the  premises,  after  which  he  should  give  them 
to  each  person  so  that  they  would  be  sure  to  re- 
member to  come.  After  this  was  under  headway 
I  said  to  the  committeeman,  "T  am  tired  and 
sleepy.  I  have  had  no  rest  for  a  long  time.  "Can 
I  rely  on  you  to  do  something?"  By  this  time 
he  had  almost  come  to  life.  He  said,  "I  will  do 
whatever  you  wish."  "Tlien,"  T  said,  "as  soon  as 
it  gets  dark  build  a  great  bonfire  in  front  of  the 


TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER.         43 

Opera  House.  Fire  some  Roman  candles  and 
load  and  shoot  a  pair  of  anvils  as  fast  as  you  can 
for  half  an  hour."  Relying  on  his  agreement  to 
do  this,  I  returned  to  the  hotel,  and  when  I  had 
eaten  a  lunch  I  retired  to  my  room  and  was  soon 
asleep.  About  half-past  seven  the  committee- 
man came  to  my  room  and  awakened  me. 

"What's  up  now?"  I  inquired. 

"I  wish  you  to  go  down  to  the  Opera  House," 
he  said,  his  eyes  beaming  like  two  moons.  I 
looked  at  my  watch  and  remarked  that  it  was  yet 
not  quite  eight  o'clock.  "But  the  house  is 
packed  and  the  people  are  getting  impatient,"  he 
persisted.  So  I  went.  We  had  considerable  diffi- 
culty to  work  our  way  into  the  hall.  The  entrance 
was  blocked  by  a  scrambling  mob  trying  to  edge 
themselves  in.  Our  appearance  was  the  sign  for 
a  mighty  shout.  I  found  a  bare  spot  on  the 
stage  and  began.  Almost  every  sentence  was  fol- 
lowed by  lusty  cheers.  The  applause  at  times 
was  protracted  and  deafening.  Only  once  was 
there  any  stirring  about  among  the  audience.  T 
was  considering  the  subject  of  Grover  Cleveland. 
T  spoke  of  his  slipping  his  collar  over  his  head 
without  unbuttoning  it,  of  his  having  special 
chairs  made  to  sit  in,  of  his  buying  his  breeches 
by  the  acre,  and  of  h\^  using  the  microscope  to 


44         TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER. 

find  flaws  in  eight-dollar  pension  bills.  While 
thus  speaking  one  of  my  auditors  who  sat  near 
the  center  of  the  hall  jumped  up  suddenly  and 
bolted  for  the  door.  I  did  not  know  him,  but  I 
was  inspired.  I  said,  "At  this  point  the  Post- 
master usually  goes  out."  I  was  in  great  luck, 
for  he  was  the  Postmaster.  Tremendous  and 
protracted  was  the  applause.  It  took  nearly  two 
hours  to  deliver  my  address  so  frequently  was  T 
compelled  to  stop  on  account  of  the  enthusiasm  of 
the  audience.  When  I  had  finished  they  gathered 
around  me  in  great  numbers.  Many  said  it  was 
the  greatest  speech  that  they  had  ever  heard  in 
all  their  lives.  An  old  soldier  said,  "God  bless 
you,  my  boy.  I  would  like  to  have  a  chance  to 
vote  for  you  for  President."  Some  of  the  old 
ladies  asked  me  if  my  mother  was  living.  Upon 
my  answering  in  the  affirmative,  they  said  she 
must  be  very  proud  of  her  son,  I  shook  hands 
with  nearly  every  man,  woman  and  child  in  the 
audience.  During  all  this  time  the  committeeman 
stood  around  and  cackled  like  a  hen  that  had 
laid  a  double-yolked  Q:gg.  I  was  urged  to  speak 
at  other  places  in  the  county,  but  declined.  It 
was  nearly  midnight  when  the  train  arrived  that 
was  to  bear  me  to  my  next  appointment.    About 


TRIALS  OP  A  STUMP  SPEAKER  45 

one  hundred  of  my  audience  kept  me  company 
until  I  boarded  the  train. 

The  meeting  had  been  a  tremendous  success, 
H  great  ovation.  Printers'  ink,  powder,  noise 
and  personal  effort  had  done  it.  I  felt  that  mj- 
work  was  not  vain  when  I  learned  that  the  Gov- 
ernor of  the  State  had  made  a  speech  at  the 
Courthouse  in  that  same  town  a  few  days  before 
to  less  than  a  dozen  auditors.  If  a  man  has  not 
already  gained  a  reputation  of  being  a  distress- 
ing speaker,  printers'  ink,  noise  and  personal  ef- 
forts can  fill  the  largest  hall  in  any  town  at  any 
time.  If  his  name  is  a  blank  it  can  be  filled  out 
and  made  great,  but  let  him  once  become  known 
is  a  bore  and  then  no  amount  of  puffing  or  exer- 
tion can  provide  him  with  an  audience. 


46         TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER. 


CHAPTER  VIII. 

IN   THE  enemy's   COUNTRY. 

The  place  where  I  expected  to  deliver  my  next 
address  was  a  locality  where  the  Democrats  out- 
numbered the  Republicans  three  to  one.  The 
State  Committee  were  reluctant  about  appoint- 
ing a  meeting  at  that  place,  as  it  was  considered 
uncertain  about  getting  a  crowd.  I  had  antici- 
pated talking  to  empty  benches,  and  my  surprise 
can  be  imagined  when  upon  coming  to  the  hall  I 
found  the  entrance  blocked  with  a  large  crowd 
that  could  not  get  in  and  the  entire  hall  stuffed 
almost  to  suffocation.  The  stage  had  been  fes- 
tooned with  evergreens.  The  speaker's  desk  was 
decorated  with  a  bouquet  of  roses  and  the  atmos- 
phere laden  with  perfume.  As  I  marched  down 
the  aisle,  led  by  the  local  chairman,  a  mighty 
shout  arose  from  the  vast  throng  and  I  felt  trans- 
ported like  a  superior  being,  to  whom  the  multi- 
tude delighted  to  pay  reverence.  When  I  arose 
to  speak,  deafening  applause  thundered  through- 


TRIALS  or  A  STUMr  SPEAKER.  47 

out  the  hall.  Never  before  had  I  received  such 
an  ovation,  and  I  swelled  up  for  the  greatest 
effort  of  my  life.  I  began,  stating  my  delight  in 
meeting  such  a  vast  assemblage,  and  my  gratitude 
for  this  opportunity  to  expound  the  noble  prin- 
ciples of  the  great  Republican  party.  Just  then 
a  half  dozen  men  seated  near  the  stage  rose  and 
bolted  for  the  door,  one  of  them  exclaiming:  "Oh, 
hell!"  This  movement  attracted  the  attention 
of  the  entire  audience,  who  laughed  and  tittered. 
This  disconcerted  me,  but  I  raised  my  voice  and 
said:  "I  notice  that  the  Democrats  are  already 
on  the  run."  My  remark  evoked  no  applause. 
Then  I  started  again  on  my  subject  the  best  I 
could,  and  stated  the  questions  at  issue  in  the 
campaign.  As  soon  as  I  had  done  so  another 
squad  arose  and  rushed  for  the  door.  This  was 
the  occasion  for  more  applause  from  the  audi- 
ence. I  remarked :  "It  does  not  take  long  to  fill 
small  vessels."  My  comment  fell  with  a  dull 
thud,  creating  no  response.  It  is  a  rule  among 
actors  that  when  one  of  them  finds  his  manner 
is  not  pleasing  to  his  audience  he  makes  the  sharp- 
est change  of  which  he  is  capable.  So  I,  in  my 
discomfiture,  quit  the  argumentative  strain  and 
attempted  pyrotechnics.  I  spread  the  wings  of 
the  great  American  eagle.     I  perched  upon  the 


48         TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER. 

loftiest  peaks  and  was  about  to  scream  gloriously 
when  about  one-third  of  the  audience  arose  en 
masse,  uttering  loud  murmurs  of  displeasure  and 
otherwise  acting  as  if  they  were  terribly  dis- 
gusted, and  by  their  departure  left  a  large  por- 
tion of  the  hall  entirely  vacant.  When  this  oc- 
curred I  stopped  my  pyrotechnics  to  remark : 
"When  shot  is  thrown  among  a  crowd  of  curs 
those  only  howl  that  are  hit!"  This  elicited  no 
response  except  hisses.  I  observed  the  crowd 
had  gone  out  in  bunches  and  the  thought  sud- 
denly flashed  into  my  mind  that  this  was  a  con- 
certed plot  to  break  up  my  meeting.  So  I  changed 
my  tone  again.  I  summoned  to  my  aid  all  my 
powers  of  invective.  I  stated  that  in  my  youth 
I  had  been  a  missionary  among  the  toughest  of 
the  tough  and  was  familiar  with  the  rascallions 
that  infest  the  Five  Points  at  New  York,  and  the 
White  Chapel  district  at  London ;  that  I  was  ac- 
customed to  bear  with  the  wickedness  and  degra- 
dation of  the  most  deformed  imps  of  hell  that  dis- 
grace the  earth,  but  in  my  opinion  there  was  a 
depth  of  meanness  so  low  that  these  miserable 
creatures  had  never  reached  it ;  that  the  limit  of 
total  depravity  might  be  claimed  by  these  scoun- 
drels who  had  come  to  a  public  meeting  with  the 
deliberate  intention  of  disturbing  it,  thus  prevent- 


1  RIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER.  49 
ing  decent  people  from  considering  tlie  great 
public  questions  of  the  day.  While  finishing  this 
period  a  general  stampede  occurred  and  all  that 
remained  of  my  audience  was  less  than  one  hun- 
dred, who  evidently  were  Republicans,  and  all 
that  had  attended  in  good  faith.  My  feelings 
were  indescribable.  To  say  that  I  was  mad 
seems  inadequate.  I  experienced  more  kinds  of 
interlacing  emotions,  all  of  which  were  unpleas- 
ant, than  ever  before  in  my  life.  My  face  became 
blood-red,  my  voice  trembled  and  I  wanted  to 
kick  the  entire  Democratic  Party  into  a  vapor, 
but  with  a  supreme  effort  I  controlled  my  feel- 
ings, thinking  that  the  end  had  been  reached  in 
the  plot  to  annoy  me.  I  started  again  on  the 
discussions  of  the  issues  when  suddenly  the  lights 
went  out  and  left  the  room  in  darkness.  Then  I 
was  obliged  to  stop.  The  chairman  left  the  stage 
to  find  out  the  cause  and  tried  to  locate  the  place 
where  the  gas  could  be  turned  on,  the  door  at  that 
place  was  locked,  and  before  any  one  could  be 
found  who  could  unlock  the  door  the  remaining 
few  had  left  the  hall  and  thus  ended  the  meeting. 


t;0         TRIALS  OF  ^1  STUMP  SPEAKER. 


CHAPTER  IX. 


THE  GREAT  DEBATE. 


When  I  arrived  at  my  next  appointment,  I 
was  asked  if  I  was  willing  to  meet  my  opponents 
in  joint  discussion. 

"Certainly,"  I  said. 

"When?"  was  asked. 

"Any  time,  at  once,  as  soon  as  possible,"  I  an- 
swered. 

"Where?"  was  the  next  question. 

"Anywhere,  in  town,  in  the  country,  in  the 
theatre,  in  the  woods,  in  the  cornfields,  every- 
where." 

"Will  you  meet  the  Union  Labor  candidate  and 
the  Prohibition  candidate?"  was  the  next  inter- 
rogatory. 

"Of  course,"  I  said.  "I  am  burning  with  de- 
sire to  meet  any  of  the  enemies  of  the  great  Re- 
publican Party  at  any  place  and  under  any  cir- 
cumstances." Arrangements  were  accordingly 
made  for  a  four-handed  discussion  in  which  each 


TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER.         51 

party  was  to  be  represented.  The  theatre  was 
packed,  moderators  selected  and  each  party  al- 
lowed forty-five  minutes.  The  Democratic 
speaker  was  to  open  the  discussion  in  a  forty 
minutes'  address  and  be  permitted  to  close  in  one 
of  five  minutes.  He  was  a  round-headed,  red- 
faced  brunette,  with  short,  curly  hair,  pop  eyes 
and  a  squatty  appearance.  He  waddled  out  on 
the  stage  like  a  great  toad  and  began.  He  said 
that  the  Republican  Party  had  been  conceived  in 
sin  and  spawned  a  bastard  and  had  always  lived 
in  violation  of  the  law.  That  it  had  schooled  it- 
self in  crime  until  it  had  attained  a  perfection 
without  a  parallel.  That  it  had  always  nominated 
men  fit  to  effect  its  nefarious  purposes,  and  in 
the  selection  of  Benjamin  Harrison  it  had  pro- 
cured a  tool  especially  adapted  to  the  execution 
of  its  wicked  designs.  He  characterized  the  Re- 
publican standard-bearer  as  a  manikin  who  was 
doing  business  in  the  great  name  of  his  grand- 
father, but  who  in  reality  was  nothing  but  a 
shriveled  hypocrite  so  cold  in  heart  and  selfish  in 
purpose  that  his  touch  would  freeze  a  lizard  in 
mid-summer.  The  Democratic  Party,  he  claimed, 
had  given  birth  to  the  nation,  and  had  by  its  cour- 
age in  war  and  counsel  in  peace  held  the  torch  of 
civilization  above  the  futile  eflforts  of  the  Repub- 


52         TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER. 

lican  Party  to  extinguish  it.  That  the  Democratic 
Party,  true  to  its  unfailing  instincts,  had  selected 
from  its  band  of  patriots  the  brightest  star  in  its 
galaxy,  and  now  invited  all  good  and  wise  men  to 
follow  this  new  Star  of  Bethlehem  into  the  har- 
bor of  peace  and  prosperity.  It  being  a  large 
party  in  soul  and  numbers,  it  had  nominated  a 
large  man  to  represent  it.  But  the  Republican 
Party,  being  small  in  both  these  respects,  had 
picked  out  a  little  animated  specimen  of  an  abor- 
tion and  stuck  him  on  the  ticket  where  he  had  to 
be  seen  by  a  microscope.  "Why,"  said  he,  "if 
our  candidate  should  accidentally  step  on  the 
little  contemptible  Republican  candidate  you 
would  hear  a  slight  crack,  smell  a  little  stench, 
and  then  the  Republican  convention  would  have 
to  assemble  and  choose  another  standard  bearer ; 
and  he  is  liable  to  do  it,  gentlemen ;  he  will  do  it, 
and  don't  you  forget  it."  After  he  had  finished 
his  vicious  tirade  it  became  my  turn.  I  claimed 
the  gentleman  speaking  for  the  Democratic 
Party  had  mistaken  the  question  at  issue.  The 
fitness  of  a  candidate  for  office  could  not  be  de- 
termined by  the  hay  scales.  That  it  was  not  a 
question  of  beef,  but  of  brains.  That  the  people 
of  these  United  States  needed  more  patriotism 
instead  of  avoirdupois.    "When  the  country  was 


TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER.  53 

in  danger,"  I  asked,  "who  rushed  to  its  rescue, 
the  candidate  with  the  great  corporosity  or  the 
one  with  the  great  ancestry?  Why,  gentlemen, 
when  Benjamin  Harrison  was  standing  with  tear- 
ful eyes  on  the  battlefield  of  Resaca,  with  his 
sleeves  rolled  up,  binding  the  bleeding  wounds  of 
his  mangled  comrades,  where  was  the  Democratic 
candidate?  I  am  astonished  at  the  audacity  of 
the  gentleman  in  assuming  that  the  Democratic 
Party  has  ever  done  anything  for  the  cause  of 
national  honor.  Everybody  knows  that  the 
Democratic  Party  is  a  collection  of  mental,  moral 
and  financial  wrecks,  who  long  ago  made  a  gen- 
eral assignment  to  the  devil  and  went  into  hope- 
less moral  bankruptcy.  Why,  gentlemen,  every 
church  spire  in  the  nation  points  like  a  guide- 
board  to  the  Republican  Party.  To  vote  the  Re- 
publican ticket  is  the  only  way  to  gain  happiness 
and  prosperity  either  here  or  hereafter." 

A  voice  in  the  audience  yelled :  "Wliat  do  you 
say  of  the  Union  Labor  Party?" 

"It  is  too  small  to  be  seen  by  the  naked  eye,"  I 
answered.  "It  has  no  existence  except  in  the  dis- 
tempered imagination  of  a  few  dreamers.  If  the 
gentleman  who  claims  to  represent  it  will  swell  it 
up  enough  so  that  I  can  see  it,  I  will  tell  him 
what  I  think  of  its  fate.    At  present  it  is  too  small 


54         TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER. 

to  either  beat  or  bury,  and  I  am  content  to  let  the 
wind  blow  it  away." 

"What  cf  the  Prohibition  Party?"  asked  an- 
other. 

"It  is  simply  another  device  of  the  devil  to  aid 
the  Democratic  Party,"  I  answered.  "It  is  com- 
posed of  cranks  that  nobody  can  turn.  They 
can  neither  be  bought,  bulldozed,  persuaded  or 
convinced,  but,  delight  in  perching  themselves  out 
on  the  dry  limb  of  a  single  idea,  while  they 
watch  the  great  procession  of  human  progress 
pass  by,  refusing  either  to  aid  the  right  or  to 
resist  the  wrong." 

Tiie  Union  Labor  champion  then  took  the  floor. 
He  said  that  he  was  willing  to  admit  all  the 
Democratic  speaker  had  said  against  the  Repub- 
lican Party,  and  all  the  Republican  speaker  had 
said  against  the  Democratic  Party.  He  regretted, 
however,  that  these  gentlemen  should  spend  so 
much  time  in  repeating  what  everybody  knew. 
That  he  did  not  intend  to  waste  his  strength  in 
trying  to  show  which  of  these  old  parties  were 
the  most  corrupt.  "Carrion  is  carrion,"  said  he, 
"whether  it  be  the  carcass  of  a  dead  hog  or  a 
dead  skunk."  He  invited  his  audience  to  come 
away  from  these  putrid  old  parties  that  he  might 
show  them  the  rosy  face  of  the  young  and  beau- 


TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER.         55 

tiful  Union  Labor  infant.  He  admitted  that  the 
Union  Labor  party  was  small — but  he  said  it 
was  not  so  small  but  the  Republican  speaker 
might  see  it  with  his  naked  eye  were  he  not 
blinded  by  political  prejudice  and  made  near- 
sighted by  ignorance,  and  if  the  prospect  of  a 
post-office  did  not  hide  it  from  his  view.  He  fur- 
ther said  that  the  Union  Labor  Party  had  been 
born  out  of  the  necessities  of  the  people.  Such 
patriots  as  Wendell  Phillips  and  Peter  Cooper  had 
acted  as  its  wet  nurses  and  it  would  grow  into 
glorious  manhood  and  power,  while  an  outraged 
people  were  engaged  in  holding  their  noses  and 
scraping  the  rotting  remains  of  the  Democratic 
and  Republican  organizations  from  places  of 
trust  and  casting  them  into  the  cesspool  of  ob- 
livion. 

The  orator  for  the  Prohibition  Party  was  a 
woman,  wild-eyed  and  wiry.  Time  had  veneered 
the  checks  of  her  maidenhood  with  impenetrable 
brass.  With  one  flash  of  her  eyes  she  swept  the 
deck  and  began.  She  said  she  had  been  amused 
at  this  sham-battle  between  rascals.  In  public 
they  would  tear  each  other's  hair ;  in  private  they 
would  drink  together  out  of  the  same  decanter, 
over  the  same  bar.  Alcohol  was  the  inspiration 
of  each,  the  saloon-keeper,  their  patron  saint,  and 


56         TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER. 

the  dram-shop  their  recruiting  station.  "What," 
she  asked,  "are  platforms  when  framed  by 
drunkards?  What  are  laws  when  executed  by 
sots  ?"  She  admitted  that  the  Union  Labor  Party 
was  an  infant  and  might  grow,  but  declared  it 
had  the  birthmark  of  King  Alcohol  on  its  brow, 
and  unless  it  joined  the  Prohibition  Party  and 
signed  the  pledge  it  would  be  washed  by  the  tide 
of  intemperance  into  hell.  She  therefore  ex- 
horted all  the  other  parties  to  withdraw  their 
candidates  and  make  the  election  of  the  Prohi- 
bition Party's  candidate  unanimous  and  then  save 
the  nation  from  being  drowned  by  intoxicating 
drink.  She  declared  that  the  fate  of  humanity 
hung  dangling  to  the  Prohibition  ticket,  and  that 
every  church  would  be  closed,  every  Sunday- 
school  scattered,  every  schoolhouse  torn  down 
and  the  whole  nation  become  one  vast  saloon; 
that  the  Star  Spangled  Banner  would  be  torn 
from  the  Goddess  of  Liberty  and  be  used  to  wipe 
beer  mugs  unless  the  Prohibition  Party  was  put 
in  control. 

The  Democratic  speaker  then  took  five  minutes 
to  close  the  discussion.  He  had  remained  quiet 
during  the  cudgeling  his  party  had  received,  but 
the  expression  of  his  face  showed  plainly  that  he 
was  collecting  venom   for  his  last  speech,  and 


TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER.         57 

when  the  Prohibition  orator  had  finished,  he  arose 
and  made  the  feathers  fly.  He  said:  "It  makes 
my  blood  boil  to  hear  the  party  of  Jefiferson  and 
Jackson  calumniated  by  the  dregs  and  scums  of 
rascality.  Where  last  year  was  this  wind-broken 
and  weather-beaten  champion  of  Republicanism? 
He  was  whining  anarchy  and  socialism  in  that  de- 
funct lunatic  asylum  called  the  Greenback  Party. 
Where  was  he  the  year  before?  In  the  Demo- 
cratic Party,  turning  the  searchlight  on  the  high 
crimes  and  misdemeanors  of  the  Republican  or- 
ganization. Now  he  has  returned  like  a  dog  to 
his  vomit  and  become  the  filthy  mouthpiece  of  Re- 
publicanism and  has  hired  out  to  spit  filth  on  his 
former  political  friends  and  associates."  At  the 
end  of  every  sentence  the  speaker  was  loudly 
cheered  and  the  atmosphere  became  too  sultry  for 
me.  I  arose  and  asked  the  privilege  of  an  expla- 
nation. Cries  of  "Sit  down!"  "Let  him  speak!" 
etc.,  came  from  the  audience.  I  then  spoke  with 
great  fervor.  "My  malicious  political  enemies 
have  invented  and  peddled  concerning  me,  slimy 
slanders  that  may  well  make  hell  groan  with  envy. 
But  of  all  the  vile  and  malicious  lies  heretofore 
invented  to  defame  me,  this  last  charge  that  I 
have  been  a  Democrat  is  the  crudest  and  most 
unfounded.    I  know  that  I  have  committed  manv 


58  TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER. 

offenses  and  some  that  may  extend  beyond  tlie 
pale  of  Divine  mercy,  but  I  have  never  descended 
low  enough  in  the  scale  of  human  degradation  to 
become  a  Democrat!"  This  statement  turned 
the  tide  of  applause  in  my  favor.  The  Demo- 
cratic leader  saw  he  had  given  me  an  advantage 
by  making  a  false  charge.  "I  am  glad  I  was 
mistaken/'  he  said.  "I  hope  the  Democratic  Party 
has  never  been  and  never  will  be  disgraced  by  his 
membership."  Then  turning  to  the  Labor  Union 
candidate  he  continued :  "Yonder  sits  another 
sweet  specimen  of  the  slanderers  of  the  Demo- 
cratic Party.  Last  year  he  was  slobbering  around 
the  Democratic  headquarters  trying  to  get  the 
Democratic  Party  to  unite  with  his  party.  If  the 
Democratic  Party  is  so  corrupt,  why  does  he 
want  to  get  in  bed  with  it?  If  it  is  such  a  filthy 
carcass  why  does  he  seek  to  suck  its  breath?" 
The  Union  Labor  speaker  then  interrupted  by 
answering:  "I  didn't  propose  to  marry  the 
Democratic  Party;  I  merely  wanted  to  take  the 
old  Democratic  skunk  by  the  tail  and  use  it  to 
knock  out  the  brains  of  the  old  Republican 
Party."  This  statement  set  the  house  in  a  great 
uproar.  When  the  noise  had  subsided  the  Demo- 
cratic speaker  continued:  "Yes,"  he  said,  "the 
hired  liar  of  the  Republican  Party  and  the  un- 


TRIALS  or  A  STUMP  SPEAKER.  59 

principled  lunatic  of  the  Labor  Party  have  the 
adjustable  hide  of  the  tree-toad  that  takes  the 
color  of  any  bark  that  it  happens  to  be  on.  Such 
creatures  are  fit  to  defame  the  party  that  invented 
and  patented  statesmanship  and  converted  the 
dreary  wilderness  of  North  America  into  a  gar- 
den of  plenty.  Their  condemnation  may  well 
be  accounted  the  highest  praise,  and  I  endure  it 
with  complacency ;  but  there  is  a  limit  beyond 
which  endurance  is  impossible ;  that  limit  is 
passed,  and  I  am  tempted  to  stop  my  ears  and  flee 
from  the  forum  that  I  may  escape  from  the  rant- 
ings  of  that  female  screech-owl  who  represents 
the  alleged  Prohibition  Party.  This  was  more 
than  the  Prohibition  champion  could  endure. 
Quick  as  a  flash  she  sprang  across  the  stage  and 
grabbed  the  Democratic  speaker  by  the  hair. 
One  of  the  moderators  caught  her  and  succeeded 
in  disentangling  her  fingers  from  the  speaker's 
curly  locks.  "I'll  teach  him!  I'll  teach  him  to 
call  me  a  screech-owl !"  she  exclaimed,  as  she 
brandished  her  fists  in  the  air  and  shook  her  head. 
"He's  nothing  but  a  low-lived,  blear-eyed,  bottled- 
nosed  Democrat,  and  I'll  scratch  his  eyes  out  if 
he  calls  me  a  screech-owl  again !"  One  of  the 
moderators  arose  and  announced  as  soon  as  he 
could  make  himself  heard  above  the  confusion 


6o  TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER. 

that  the  time  had  expired.  The  great  joint  dis- 
cussion was  declared  finished.  The  large  audi- 
ence filed  out  of  the  hall  and  returned  to  their 
respective  homes,  the  members  of  each  party  de- 
claring that  its  champion  came  out  ahead,  and  all 
were  unanimous  in  the  opinion  that  they  had  lis- 
tened to  a  great  political  debate. 


TKIALS  OF  A  STUMF  SFEAKER.         6 1 


CHAPTER  X. 

OUT  IN   THE  RAIN, 

I  WAS  well  acquainted  with  the  chairman  of 
the  committee  of  the  county  where  I  was  next 
to  speak.  He  was  a  member  of  the  State  Central 
Committee.  He  had  often  urged  me  to  accept 
an  appointment  in  his  county,  and  it  was  at  his 
request  that  the  State  Central  Committee  had 
sent  me  there.  My  friend  had  assured  me  that 
my  reception  there  would  be  a  great  ovation  and 
that  the  population  of  the  county  would  turn  out 
en  masse  to  hear  me,  hence  I  looked  forward  to 
my  meeting  with  great  expectations.  I  felt  cer- 
tain of  my  power  to  stir  all  the  passions  in  the 
political  breast  and  score  a  great  triumph.  Upon 
my  arrival  I  heard  no  brass  band  serenading  the 
incoming  train.  I  looked  in  vain  among  the 
throng  at  the  station  for  the  familiar  face  of  the 
chairman.  A  'bus  driver  said,  "Hotel,  sir?"  I 
went  to  a  hotel.  The  landlord  was  ignorant  of 
any  meeting.    T  went  to  the  office  of  the  Republi- 


62  TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER. 

can  paper  and  found  my  appointment  had  been 
changed  to  a  small  town  in  the  northern  i-art  of 
the  county.  With  some  chagrin  I  took  the  next 
train  for  the  place.  Upon  arriving  there  I  found 
that  the  appointment  had  been  changed  to  a  coun- 
try schoolhouse  in  another  part  of  the  county.  I 
again  boarded  the  train  and  reached  the  nearest 
depot  to  said  schoolhouse.  After  making  some 
inquiries  I  was  directed  to  the  house  of  a  promi- 
nent Republican  who  was  reputed  to  be  the  town- 
ship committeeman.  His  house  was  about  a  mile 
distant.  I  walked  to  it,  only  to  find  that  another 
committeeman  had  been  appointed  in  his  place. 
The  newly  appointed  committeeman  lived  about 
a  mile  and  a  half  distant  in  another  direction.  In 
the  meantime  night  had  set  in  with  a  gentle  rain. 
The  people  at  the  house  told  me  the  direction  to 
go.  The  ex-committeeman  said  he  would  have 
been  glad  to  go  along  with  me  but  for  his  daugh- 
ter, who  had  gotten  a  sand-burr  imbedded  in  her 
neck  while  eating  a  piece  of  frost-bitten  water- 
melon and  was  in  a  serious  condition,  having  had 
her  windpipe  cut  and  a  tube  inserted  through 
which  to  breathe,  and  he  did  not  dare  to  leave  her. 
I  assured  him  that  he  was  excusable  and  started 
off  alone.  The  way  was  very  dark  and  muddy, 
but    I    pressed   on,    wading   through    the    mire, 


TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER.         63 

searching-  for  the  liouse  of  the  committeeman.  At 
last,  after  much  wandering,  I  found  the  place. 
The  house  was  dark.  Two  great  dogs  rushed 
out,  growling  and  barking.  One  of  them  sprang 
at  me  furiously.  I  struck  him  on  the  head  with 
my  umbrella.  He  howled  and  retreated  a  little 
but  stood  in  the  doorway,  so  that  I  could  not  get 
near  enough  to  knock.  I  stood  outside  and  yelled. 
At  last  a  lank,  butternut-colored  fellow  came  to 
the  door,  naked,  with  the  exception  of  his  shirt, 
and  as  he  drove  the  dog  away  said,  "What  do  you 
want?" 

"Are  you  the  Republican  Township  Committee- 
man?" I  asked. 

"Well,  ya-as,"  he  drawled  out. 

"My  name  is  Wilcox ;  I  was  sent  into  this  town- 
ship to  make  a  speech  to-night.  Do  you  know 
where  they  hold  the  meeting?" 

"The  meeting  was  to  be  in  the  schoolhouse 
yonder,"  he  said,  pointing  to  the  typical  white 
box  country  schoolhouse. 

"Why  isn't  it  lighted  up?"  I  asked. 

"No  use,"  he  said.  "You're  the  only  man  in 
Iowa  who  would  be  fool  enough  to  attend  a  po- 
litical meeting  such  a  night  as  this.  You  will 
have  to  excuse  me,  I'm  catching  cold.  I  must  go 
back  to  bed."     So  saying,  he  shut  the  door  and 


64  TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER. 

left  me  to  trudge  back  to  the  depot  through  the 
darkness  and  the  rain.  I  arrived  at  the  station 
very  wet,  veneered  with  mud  and  filled  with  dis- 
gust. The  agent  had  gone  and  the  depot  was 
locked.  No  train  was  due  until  three  o'clock  in 
the  morning.  I  had  six  hours  to  wait.  I  was 
compelled  to  keep  moving  on  account  of  the  cold 
and  my  wet  clothes.  So  like  a  sentinel  of  wretch- 
edness I  paced  to  and  fro  on  the  platform  of  the 
depot.  One  by  one  the  weary  hours  dragged 
awav,  and  at  last  three  o'clock  came  but  no  train. 
How  late  the  train  would  be  I  could  not  tell.  I 
dared  not  leave  the  depot  lest  it  might  arrive 
during  my  absence.  Finally  I  saw  its  headlight 
in  the  distance  and  it  looked  more  beautiful  to 
me  than  any  light  I  had  ever  seen.  Eagerly  I 
awaited  its  approach  when,  to  my  amazement 
and  disappointment,  it  did  not  stop.  Again  I 
paced  the  platform.  The  words  spoken  by  the 
committeeman  relating  to  my  folly  seemed  to  be 
true.  I  communed  with  myself  thus  :  "What  do 
these  men  care  for  me?  Nothing.  What  do 
they  care  for  the  country  ?  Less.  Why  do  they 
hold  political  meetings?  Simply  to  hold  jobs. 
I've  a  comfortable  home  and  a  good  law  prac- 
tice. Why  should  I  tramp  through  sand-burrs, 
mud  and  jimpson- weeds,  to  talk  politics  to  fel- 


TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER.  65 

lows,  who  don't  care  enough  about  hearing  me 
to  come  out  through  a  rain?"  Then  came 
thoughts  of  how  the  soldiers,  inspired  by  love  for 
my  country,  had  endured  to  save  it,  the  greatest 
of  hardships.  Having  eaten  a  supper  of  hard- 
tack, they  often  laid  down  in  the  snow  and  awak- 
ened to  find  minie-balls  for  breakfast.  I  re- 
called the  patriots  at  \ 'alley  Forge,  who  left  the 
bloody  prints  of  their  bare  fett  upon  the  frozen 
ground.  Of  Jackson  and  his  brave  men  who  fed 
on  acorns  dug  in  the  snows  of  winter  while  fight- 
ing to  sustain  the  nation's  life.  What  were  my 
sufferings  compared  with  these  hardships?  How 
insignificant !  I  felt  ashamed  of  myself  for  com- 
plaining. Presently  the  clouds  cleared  away, 
morning  dawned,  the  sun  arose  in  golden  glory, 
the  autumn  woods  on  the  hillside  bloomed  like 
a   flower   garden,   and   when   the   train   came    I 

boarded  it  with  renewed  courage  to  meet  my  next 
appointment. 


66         TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER. 


CHAPTER  XI. 

THE  COLD  EYE   AND  THE  SYMPATHETIC  FACE. 

At  one  of  my  meetings  I  was  embarrassed  by 
the  presence  of  a  thin  man  who  sat  in  the  front 
seat  and  gazed  at  me  with  a  cold  and  unwavering 
glance  during  the  entire  time  of  my  address.  His 
optics  seemed  to  chill  me  with  their  gaze.  I  felt 
as  if  he  was  exploring  my  very  marrow.  At  no 
time  did  he  exhibit  any  feeling  except  that  of  a 
keen  and  curious  attention.  I  struggled  hard  to 
inspire  him  with  emotion.  I  played  upon  every 
chord  which  my  imagination  could  strike.  I  ran 
my  voice  from  the  lowest  to  the  highest  notes  on 
the  scale.  I  turned  and  twisted  my  body.  I 
swung  my  arms  like  flails.  I  made  all  kinds  of 
grimaces.  I  stamped  my  feet  and  clapped  my 
hands.  I  quite  destroyed  the  speaker's  table  by 
mauling  it.  I  called  on  heaven  and  hell  promiscu- 
ously. I  invoked  all  kinds  of  angels,  saints  and 
devils,  but  this  thin-visaged,  solemn-looking  indi- 
vidual, with  the  cold  eye,  never  relaxed  his  gaze 


TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER.         fyj 

or  showed  the  sHghtest  sign  of  feeling.  After  the 
meeting  had  adjourned  and  I  had  retired  to  my 
couch  for  slumber  I  could  not  dismiss  from  my 
mind  the  appearance  of  this  auditor,  but  like  the 
all-seeing  eye  of  the  Omnipotent,  his  blue,  icy 
optics  were  glaring  upon  me  out  of  the  darkness, 
and  when  I  fell  asleep  they  still  haunted  me  in 
my  dreams. 

When  I  began  to  speak  at  my  next  appointment 
I  was  surprised  to  note  that  this  same  man  was 
there  and  located  directly  in  front  of  me.  It  is  al- 
ways an  embarrassment  for  a  speaker  to  know 
that  persons  who  have  already  heard  his  address 
are  in  his  audience  where  they  can  discover  he  is 
but  speaking  a  piece.  He  then  feels  compelled 
to  change  the  character  of  his  address.  So  the 
appearance  of  this  person  caused  me  to  attempt 
a  different  speech  from  the  one  I  had  made  be- 
fore. j\Iy  meanderings  in  unfamiliar  fields  were 
accompanied  by  much  stumbling,  but  fortunately 
I  had  a  few  jokes  left  that  I  had  not  exploited 
at  the  previous  meeting,  and  I  used  these  as  mile- 
stones. I  filled  in  the  places  between  them  with 
commonplace  matter  and  managed  to  put  in  the 
usual  time.  My  listener  with  the  congealed  face 
sat  as  immovable  as  at  the  first  meeting,  but  I 


68         TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER. 

thought  there  was  in  his  cold  glance  an  additional 
appearance  of  interest. 

When  on  the  third  night  I  found  him  waiting 
for  me  I  became  greatly  worried  as  to  what  I 
could  say  that  would  be  new  and  interesting  to 
this  person.  My  stock  of  stories  was  exhausted. 
Every  witticism  had  become  stale.  All  my  flights 
of  rhetoric  had  flown,  and  unless  I  worked  over 
the  old  material  I  must  remain  dumb.  So  I 
spouted  forth  a  kind  of  hodge-podge,  made  up 
largely  of  the  other  addresses,  varying  the  ex- 
pressions so  that  I  hoped  that  their  similarity 
would  not  be  noticed.  While  speaking,  my  mind 
wandered  and  I  trembled  for  my  fate  lest  this 
ghastly  individual  should  attend  my  next  meet- 
ing. I  asked  myself,  again  and  again,  what  was 
his  object  in  thus  following  me  through  the  coun- 
try and  harassing  me  with  his  presence.  I  re- 
solved when  the  meeting  was  over  to  approach 
him  and  inquire.  This  I  did,  with  fear  and 
trembling.  I  approached  him  and  extending  my 
hand,  which  he  took  reluctantly,  said:  "My 
friend,  I  have  been  greatly  gratified  to  see  you  at 
so  many  of  my  meetings.  Will  you  kindly  inform 
me  to  what  I  shall  attribute  this  honor?"  He 
said :  "I  am  a  professor  of  anthropology,  I  am 
collecting  data  on   freaks.     I   thought  tlie  fir.'rt 


TRIALS  01^  A  STUMP  SPEAKER.  69 

time  I  heard  you  that  you  were  the  most  remark- 
able liar  that  I  had  ever  known,  and  I  had  the 
curiosity  to  see  if  you  could  tell  your  story  twice 
alike,  and  I  must  say  that  my  subsequent  observa- 
tions have  confirmed  my  first  impression."  / 

Every  public  speaker  will  admit  his  obligation 
to  the  sympathetic  face.  Those  who  si)eak  ex- 
temporaneously and  those  who  have  prepared 
their  addresses  in  skeleton  form  and  rely  upon 
the  audience  for  inspiration  while  selecting  lan- 
guage to  cloth  their  ideas  take  especial  delight  in 
seeing  some  s}mpathetic  face.  At  a  certain 
meeting  which  I  addressed  I  was  greatly  at- 
tracted by  a  portly  gentleman.  His  face  seemed 
most  sympathetic.  After  I  had  talked  a  few 
moments  he  claimed  my  full  attention,  and  all  my 
remarks  thereafter  were  directed  to  him,  and  I 
was  entirely  oblivious  of  the  fact  that  there  were 
others  in  my  audience.  So  happy  did  he  appear 
to  be  made  by  everything  I  said  I  was  at  once 
put  in  a  very  easy  frame  of  mind.  Never  had 
my  ideas  flowed  so  freely ;  never  had  I  cavorted 
about  with  such  grace ;  my  voice  seemed  like 
heavenly  music  and  my  vocal  organs  pla}ed  as 
easily  and  softly  as  an  Aeolian  harp.  It  was 
ecstasy  to  see  the  full,  round  face  of  this  sympa- 
thetic auditor  wreathed  in  such  delighted  smiles 


70  TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER. 

at  everything  I  said.  How  I  wished  I  could  have 
such  a  person  at  every  meeting!  What  would 
I  not  give  to  have  such  a  person  before  me  as  a 
muse  to  fill  my  mind  with  merry  thoughts  and 
heavenly  visions?  The  hour  and  one-half  occu- 
pied passed  like  a  lover's  holiday.  Alas!  too 
quickly  spent.  When  the  meeting  adjourned  I 
rushed  to  this  charming  person  and  seized  him 
warmly  by  the  hand.  I  said :  "How  glad  I  am 
to  meet  a  good  Republican  who  can  sympathize 
with  me  in  my  views."  He  begged  my  pardon 
and  stated  he  was  a  Democrat.  I  expressed  sur- 
prise that  a  Democrat  should  appear  to  take  such 
delight  in  my  address.  He  said :  "I  have  greatly 
enjoyed  your  speech.  When  a  man  opposes  my 
views  I  enjoy  seeing  him  make  a  fool  of  himself." 
The  foregoing  pages  contain  accounts  of  a  por- 
tion of  my  twenty-four  appointments  in  Iowa. 
I  do  not  think  it  advisable  to  continue  further 
the  narrative  of  the  Iowa  campaign  lest  I  weary 
the  reader.  Much  would  be  a  repetition  of  what 
has  been  written  with  but  slight  variations.  The 
accounts  heretofore  given  may  well  serve  as  sam- 
ples of  the  whole.  Fully  half  were  failures,  ow- 
ing to  the  inefficiency  of  the  local  or  State  com- 
mittee. Sometimes  my  meetings  were  advertised 
by  a  three-line  notice  stuck  in  an  obscure  part  of 


TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER.         71 

a  weekly  paper  among  the  death  notices,  or  "  'til 
forbid  ads."  At  times  I  was  placed  on  the  breezy 
side  of  a  barn  to  speak  against  the  north  wind. 
At  other  times  I  held  my  meeting  in  dingy  Re- 
publican clubrooms,  situated  on  the  third  floor  of 
a  building  where  none  but  the  Republicans  could 
be  expected  to  enter.  <  ccasionally  I  was  smoth- 
ered with  attention,  but  often  frozen  with  neglect. 
I  saw  enough  to  convince  me  that  the  Republi- 
can organization  in  Iowa  was  in  the  primary  de- 
partment in  arranging  political  rallies.  Men  of 
little  capacity  and  less  time  for  such  business  pro- 
cured themselves  to  be  selected  as  committeemen, 
and  then  went  to  sleep  or  ofif  on  a  visit,  and  al- 
lowed the  machine  to  rust.  To  announce  a  meet- 
ing they  would  issue  a  bill  about  the  size  of  the 
human  hand,  and  hang  it  in  the  east  wind  or  paste 
it  on  the  mud.  They  would  describe  the  speaker 
as  a  "good  talker"  and  thus  damn  him  in  advance 
by  faint  and  indifferent  praise.  They  would 
often  forget  to  unlock  the  hall  in  time  for  the 
meeting  or  would  neglect  to  have  a  fire  built  in 
it.  They  would  stay  with  the  speaker  from  morn- 
ing until  night  and  deprive  him  of  an  opportunity 
to  rest  or  to  collect  his  thoughts,  when  they  ought 
to  have  been  hustling  for  a  crowd.  The  average 
Republican  coinmitteeman  is  a  sluggard  on  whom 


72         TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP^.SPEAKER. 

no  amount  of  cursing  can  make  an  impression 
and  no  amount  of  pleading  can  stir.  There  are, 
of  course,  some  refreshing  exceptions,  and  when 
the  stumper  meets  one  he  is  given  new  courage  to 
continue  his  task.  The  State  Central  Committee 
does  not  usually  begin  to  make  appointments  until 
a  week  or  ten  days  before  the  opening  of  the 
campaign.  Then  the  secretary  takes  a  map  of 
Iowa,  and  picks  out  a  lot  of  towns  which  he 
thinks  are  suited  to  the  caliber  of  the  speaker, 
makes  the  appointment  and  dictates  to  a  stenogra- 
pher a  form  letter  to  be  sent  to  the  chairman  of 
each  county  telling  him  of  the  appointment.  These 
letters  may  be  started  one  week  before  the  meet- 
ing is  to  be  held.  The  chairman  in  one  county 
may  be  out  of  the  State,  in  another  may  live  sev- 
eral miles  from  the  post-office  and  the  notice  not 
be  received  until  after  the  time  set  for  the  meet- 
ing. In  another  locality  he  may  be  a  man  who 
couldn't  compose  an  auction  bill  and  wouldn't  if 
he  could.  Sometimes  it  will  happen  that  the  ap- 
pointment has  been  placed  on  the  night  of  a  circus 
or  it  falls  on  the  only  night  in  the  week  when  the 
hall  is  engaged.  Often  the  speaker  sent  is  the 
very  one  the  people  do  not  care  to  hear.  It  oc- 
casionally happens  that  the  secretary  or  his 
stenographer  will  fail  to  send  notices  to  the  lo- 


TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER.         73 

calities  and  the  speaker  will  get  there  unheralded. 
Usually  the  chairman  and  secretary  of  the  State 
Committee  are  men  of  small  capacity  and  less 
experience,  and  they  sit  huddled  together  in  one 
or  two  little  rooms  surrounded  by  a  crowd  of 
loafing  politicians  who  absorb  their  time  and  at- 
tention with  irrelevant  and  redundant  stories  as 
they  sit  and  smoke  campaign  cigars.  Tlie  con- 
duct of  a  political  campaign  in  a  State  is  a  great 
business.  The  chairman  should  be  an  experi- 
enced business  man,  fertile  in  planning  and  swift 
in  executing.  He  should  see  that  all  the  joints 
and  cogs  in  the  machine  are  well  oiled  and  in 
perfect  working  order.  He  has  no  time  to  write 
letters,  sign  receipts  or  keep  books.  He  should 
be  accessible  only  to  those  who  have  business  with 
him.  The  secretary  should  superintend  the  exe- 
cution of  the  work  laid  out  by  the  chairman.  He 
should  have  charge  of  the  employes,  see  that  they 
are  at  their  posts  and  performing  their  functions. 
He  also  has  no  time  for  visiting.  He  should  not 
attempt  to  perform  the  minor  details  of  the  work. 
He  should,  however,  see  that  it  is  thoroughly 
done  by  others.  A  system  should  be  in  operation 
that  will  insure  the  advertising  of  every  meeting 
and  the  proper  distribution  of  every  political 
document  and  the  casting  of  every  vote.     If  any 


74         TRIALS  Of  A  STUMP  SPEAKER. 

locality  has  elected  a  chairman  who  is  not  prompt 
in  the  discharge  of  his  duty,  he  should  be  set  to 
one  side  and  some  one  else  sent  in  advance  of  the 
speaker  to  make  the  proper  arrangements.  Meet- 
ings should  not  be  appointed  on  the  request  of 
the  locality  unless  the  State  Committee  is  pre- 
pared to  assume  the  burden  and  attend  to  the 
local  arrangements.  In  the  Harrison-Cleveland 
campaign,  I  suffered  much  in  Iowa  at  the  hands 
of  sluggards  in  the  committees ;  of  this  I  will  not 
speak  further.  I  was  pleased  when  my  four 
weeks  had  ended  and  the  time  had  come  to  take 
the  train  to  Cliicago,  where  I  hoped  to  win  great 
renown. 


TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER.         75 


CHAPTER  XIL 

A  WOMAN   WINS, 

The  political  speaker  who  lias  received  his 
training  in  the  country  and  is  called  to  Chicago  to 
practice  his  art  will  experience  many  startling 
surprises.  He  will  find  most  things  different 
from  what  he  expected.  How  shall  I  express  the 
swell  of  emotion  that  animated  my  soul  as  I 
planned  for  my  Chicago  campaign?  What  can 
so  thrill  and  exhalt  the  human  mind  as  the 
thought  of  winning  widespread  and  eternal  fame? 
"This,"  I  said,  "is  the  chance  for  which  I  have 
so  long  waited — at  last  I  can  reveal  to  the  startled 
senses  of  mankind  the  great  powers  which  I  have 
so  long  felt  were  in  my  possession."  Although 
conscious  of  transcendant  genius  as  an  orator, 
yet  I  was  determined  to  add  to  my  glittering 
natural  gifts  all  the  acquired  graces  that  could 
come  from  careful  preparation.  I  determined  to 
leave  nothing  undone  to  furnish  my  mind  for 
this  great  occasion.    I  read  Greek  poetry,  oratory 


76  TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER. 
and  philosophy  until  the  Market  Place  at  Athens 
and  the  Groves  of  her  Academy  were  as  familiar 
as  the  courthouse  square  of  the  village  where  I 
was  reared.  I  conned  the  orations  of  the  great 
Cicero  and  his  contemporaries  until  the  Forum  at 
Rome  was  as  common  as  the  playgroimd  of  my 
boyhood.  Nor  did  the  mighty  English  orators 
fail  to  receive  my  attention.  I  taught  my  tongue 
to  repeat  their  powerful  phrases  until  an  oration 
of  Burke's  became  as  easy  as  a  Mother  Goose  lul- 
laby. I  stood  with  Webster  on  Bunker  Hill — 
with  Lincoln  at  Gettysburg — and  with  Beecher  at 
Fort  Cumpter.  I  determined  to  excel  all  of  these. 
The  great  addresses  of  these  mighty  masters,  an- 
cient and  modern,  were  but  frail  and  staggering 
affairs  compared  to  what  I  purposed  to  perform. 
To  equip  myself  further  I  devoured  the  un- 
abridged dictionary  ;  I  absorbed  encyclopedias  ; 
I  emptied  into  my  mind  the  bibles  of  the  pagan 
and  the  Christian  worlds.  I  delved  neck  deep 
into  science,  on  every  subject  from  flowers  to 
stars.  Having  thus  supplied  myself  with  an- 
cient and  modern  lore,  I  wrote  my  great  ora- 
tion. With  delicate  care  I  carpentered  and 
joined  my  sentences,  dove-tailing  each  into  the 
other  and  stringing  them  together  so  as  to  gradu- 
allv  lift  the  hearer  to  a  climax  which  should  be 


TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER.         yj 

a  veritable  cataclysm.  Nor  did  my  care  in  com- 
position exceed  that  in  delivery.  No  fair  one 
ever  lingered  longer  before  the  glass  to  rig  her 
armor  for  the  amatory  assault  than  I  did  to  ac- 
quire a  series  of  poses  and  gesticulations  suit- 
able to  grace  and  reveal  the  vast  ideas  which  I 
had  dug  so  deep  and  flown  so  far  to  bring  forth. 
Mighty  were  the  triumphs  which  I  felt  would 
follow  such  elaborate  preparations.  In  my  mind's 
eye  I  could  see  myself  standing  upon  the  stage  of 
some  Chicago  theatre ;  about  me  sat  railroad 
kings,  merchant  princes,  renowned  theologians, 
eminent  philosophers,  famous  warriors,  and  the 
mighty  political  leaders  of  that  city.  In  front  of 
me  in  the  immense  auditorium,  where  gallery 
rose  above  gallery,  and  box  above  box,  until  the 
sight  was  blinded  by  distance,  would  sit  the 
beauty,  wealth,  fashion  and  intelligent  citizenship 
of  the  great  metropolis,  with  craned  necks,  peeled 
eyes  and  eager  ears,  anxious  to  drink  in  the  honey 
of  my  words.  Before  the  admiring  gaze  of  this 
vast  throng,  full  in  the  center  of  the  spotlight,  I 
stood — pouring  forth  a  deluge  of  oratory  upon 
the  perfumed  air.  sufficient  to  strain  every  joint 
and  mortise  in  the  building  from  its  concrete  to 
its  cornice,  and  make  large  beads  of  perspiration 
stand  upon  its  frescoed  ceiling.    At  times  my  au- 


78         TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER. 

dience  would  be  intoxicated  by  my  words  into 
delicious  rapture.  At  other  times  some  vast  idea 
sweeping  through  the  nerves  and  sinews  of  the 
great  assembly  would  provoke  such  a  storm  of  ap- 
plause as  would  make  the  artillery  of  the  skies 
seem  but  a  mimic  show.  But  the  vast  assem- 
blage was  but  a  drop  in  the  ocean  of  human 
beings  who  should  compose  my  audience.  The 
quick  reporters  of  the  world's  great  newspapers 
were  there,  noting  every  word  and  gesture ;  they 
would  send  their  reports  on  wings  of  lightning 
to  the  farthermost  parts  of  the  earth.  On  the 
morrow  my  name  would  be  the  fashion  in  every 
household  that  freckles  the  face  of  the  globe. 

My  speech  was  delivered  in  a  beer  hall  on  Mil- 
waukee Avenue,  A  pickpocket  tried  to  steal  my 
watch  as  I  went  in,  and  two  confidence  men  at- 
tempted to  sidetrack  and  rob  me  as  I  came  out. 
My  audience  was  composed  of  the  drinking,  the 
drunk,  and  the  very  drunk.  The  hall  was  poorly 
lighted,  but  what  light  there  was  struggled  in- 
effectually to  illumine  the  air  laden  with  dense 
fumes  of  tobacco  smoke,  which  was  belched  forth 
from  the  foul  mouths  of  my  audience ;  yet 
through  the  fetid  air  the  highly  colored  noses  of 
my  hearers  were  at  times  visible.  There  was  an 
incessant  jabber  and  hub-bub,  commingled  with 


TRIALS  OP  A  STUMP  SPEAKER.         79 

maudlin  gibberish  and  shocking  profanity.  An 
ancient  layer  of  indescribable  nastiness  frescoed 
the  ceiling  and  varnished  the  woodwork.  Taken 
as  a  whole,  the  hall  and  its  contents  seemed  about 
as  much  like  hell  as  the  machinery  of  vice  and 
filth  could  make  it.  Had  I  prepared  a  speech  to 
be  delivered  in  heaven  and  had  been  called  upon 
to  deliver  it  in  the  infernal  regions,  I  could  not 
have  failed  worse  in  my  preparations.  So  many 
others  were  billed  to  speak  at  the  same  meeting 
that  I  was  allowed  but  fifteen  minutes.  I  had 
determined  to  make  an  impression.  I  took  for 
my  theme  the  cruel  barbarity  of  Cleveland's 
administration  in  his  veto  of  private  pension 
bills.  Just  as  I  was  laying  the  foundation  by  re- 
ferring pathetically  to  the  hardships,  dangers 
and  sacrifices  of  the  Union  soldiers,  a  band 
marched  into  the  hall  followed  by  a  Bohemian 
Club,  yelling  and  hurrahing.  This  continued  for 
five  minutes.  After  this  noise  had  ceased  and 
before  I  had  reached  a  point  where  I  could  make 
an  impression  the  attention  of  the  audience  was 
claimed  by  a  quarrel  that  was  brewing  in  one 
corner  of  the  hall,  and  by  the  time  the  police  had 
quieted  this  disturbance  my  time  had  expired.  I 
was  followed  on  the  platform  by  a  woman  who 
knew  her  audience  and  was  well  acquainted  with 


8o         TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER. 

men  generally.  Upon  taking  the  stand  she  in- 
dulged in  a  gesture  which  evoked  great  applause. 
Assuming  that  her  audience  were  confined  in  their 
knowledge  of  language  to  profanity  and  slang, 
she  filled  the  smoky  air  with  oaths  and  purient 
and  filthy  insinuations  couched  in  the  latest  slang. 
Frequently  she  would  propose  they  drink  to  the 
health  of  some  candidate  and  swing  herself  in  a 
manner  that  seemed  to  inflame  the  passions  of 
her  auditors,  either  politically  or  otherwise.  The 
half-drunken  crowd  went  wild  with  delight. 
Every  one  of  her  salacious  or  profane  illusions 
were  cheered  vehemently.  When  her  time  was 
up  they  compelled  the  chairman  of  the  meeting 
to  let  her  go  on.  Her  bleared  eyes  beamed  with  ex- 
ultation, and  if  she  had  felt  any  restraint  at  first 
it  was  gone  now.  She  turned  herself  loose  to 
the  most  reckless  abandon  and  her  audience  did 
likewise.  Then  every  sentence  or  ejaculation  was 
responded  to  by  thunderous  applause,  and  every 
moment  some  enthusiastic  auditor  more  zealous 
than  the  rest  would  jump  up  on  his  chair  and 
yell,  and  propose  three  cheers  for  the  woman. 
These  would  be  given  lustily  for  several  minutes 
and  then  she  would  go  on.  When  the  filth  became 
intolerable  I  left  in  disgust.  Thus  was  I  rudely 
awakened  from  my  dream  of  Chicago  glory. 


TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER.         8 1 


CHAPTER  XIII. 


HO    FOR   INDIANA. 


I  LEFT  Chicago  for  my  first  appointment  in  In- 
diana. At  about  ten  the  next  morning  when  I 
was  within  twenty-five  miles  of  the  place,  the 
train  began  to  take  on  special  cars  filled  with  uni- 
formed clubs  and  brass  bands.  A  member  of 
one  of  the  clubs,  dressed  in  tin  armor,  crowded 
into  the  seat  beside  me. 

"Where  is  the  crowd  going?"  I  asked. 

"Down  to "  he  said. 

"What's  going  on?" 

"A  great  Republican  rally." 

"Who  speaks  there?"  I  inquired. 

"General  Wilcox,  of  Iowa,"  was  his  answer. 

"Is  he  a  good  speaker?" 

"The  greatest  orator  in  the  country." 

"Strange  I  have  just  come  from  Iowa  and  I 
have  never  heard  of  him." 

"If  you'll  stop  ofT,  stranger,  and  attend  the 
rally,  you  will  hear  the  best  speech  you  ever  heard 


S,2         TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER. 

in  all  your  life,"  said  he,  "or  I'll  pay  vour  bill 
there." 

"Perhaps  I  will,"  I  said. 

When  we  arrived  at  the  depot  there  were  two 
thousand  people  collected  round  it.  Bands  were 
playing.  Several  hundred  young  men  and  women 
were  on  horseback,  prepared  to  march  in  the  pro- 
cession. ]\Iany  large  wagons  had  been  length- 
ened for  the  occasion  and  surmounted  with  racks 
built  so  as  to  carry  three  tiers  of  young  ladies 
who  were  dressed  in  the  national  colors.  These 
were  drawn  by  road  engines.  Some  were  singing 
and  others  hurrahing.  The  procession  had 
formed  and  was  waiting  for  the  speaker  to  ride 
in  the  front  carriage.  No  one  knew  me.  I  saw 
two  tall  men  dressed  in  ulsters  and  wearing  gray 
plug  hats  who  were  looking  eagerly  among  those 
who  came  out  of  the  cars.  Presently  I  heard  one 
say  to  the  other,  "I  don't  see  any  speaker."  I 
approached  them  and  said :  "Gentlemen,  whom 
are  you  looking  for  ?"  One  of  them  replied,  "We 
are  looking  for  General  Wilcox,  from  Iowa." 
"My  name  is  Wilcox  and  I  came  from  Iowa.  I 
was  sent  here  by  the  Republican  Committee  to 
make  a  speech." 

"Then  you  are  the  man  we  are  looking  for; 
come  with  us,"  was  the  reply.     The  gentleman 


TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER.  83 
took  hold  of  my  arm  and  led  me  to  the  speaker's 
carriage  in  which  I  rode.  The  business  houses 
and  private  dwellings  were  decorated  with  ban- 
ners and  bunting,  and  Harrison's  picture,  if  the 
proprietors  were  Republicans;  if  Democratic,  Mr. 
Cleveland's,  hung  in  the  windows. 

The  w^hole  country  for  twenty  miles  around 
had  turned  out.  The  Democrats  as  well  as  the 
Republicans  had  come.  The  men,  women  and 
children  of  the  Republican  faith  w^ore  Republi- 
can badges,  those  of  the  Democratic  faith  Demo- 
cratic badges.  The  business  of  Indiana  then 
was  politics.  Nearly  everything  else  was  neg- 
lected. Mine  was  the  twenty-fifth  rally  held  that 
year  in  that  locality.  A  school  mistress  told  me 
that  she  had  gone  to  the  schoolhouse  every  day 
the  week  previous  to  teach,  but  had  been  unable 
to  do  so  on  account  of  her  having  such  enthusias- 
tic political  children  in  her  school.  She  had  ten 
scholars,  four  Democrats  and  six  Republicans,  all 
of  whom  were  excused  every  day  to  attend  politi- 
cal rallies.  Whole  families  would  start  out  from 
home  the  day  before  to  attend  a  meeting  to  be 
held  twenty-five  or  thirty  miles  distant  and  return 
the  day  after  the  rally  in  time  to  make  a  fresh 
start  again  that  same  day  for  another.  Here  the 
trials  of  the  stumper  w^erc  over  as  far  as  the  com- 


84         TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER. 

mittecmen  were  concerned.  The  political  ma- 
chine in  Indiana  at  that  time  was  the  most  re- 
markable appliance  in  the  State.  The  Hoosier 
looks  forward  to  the  Presidential  election  as  a 
great  harvest.  He  may  be  sluggish  and  quiet  at 
all  other  times,  but  then  he  rallies  and  hustles 
with  superhuman  unction.  Every  inch  of  the 
State  is  wind-swept  for  three  months  prior  to  the 
election  by  the  strongest  political  orators  in  the 
nation.  Every  schoolhouse  and  all  public  build- 
ings become  battle-scarred  fields  where  political 
champions  froth  and  hiss.  When  I  rode  by  farm- 
houses the  children  would  run  out  and  yell, 
"Hurrah  for  Ben!"  or  "Hurrah  for  Grover!"  ac- 
cording to  the  political  faith  of  the  parents.  When 
I  had  finished  my  speech  the  chairman  and  those 
on  the  platform  would  shake  hands  with  me  and 
then  the  menj  women  and  children  in  the  audi- 
ence would  come  forward  by  the  tliousands  to 
greet  and  congratulate  me,  all  showing  the  warm- 
est appreciation.  I  was  billed  for  but  one  speech 
a  day,  but  often  after  the  close  of  my  afternoon 
address  many  would  urge  me  to  speak  in  a  city 
not  far  distant  that  evening.  HI  consented  they 
would  send  couriers  ahead  on  horseback  to  notify 
the  people  in  that  vicinity.  When  the  couriers 
reached  the  city  one  would  take  a  bell,  another  a 


TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER.  85 

till  horn,  the  third  a  drum,  and  start  along  the 
street  ringing  the  bell,  blowing  the  horn,  beating 
the  drum  and  shouting,  "General  Wilcox  speaks 

to-night  at "    The  Republicans  on  the  route 

as  they  proceeded  would  fall  into  line  until  sev- 
eral hundred  were  accumulated  and  these  would 
go  through  the  principal  streets,  making  a  great 
noise.  In  less  than  an  hour  the  largest  hall 
would  be  packed.  In  some  places  I  was  adver- 
tised as  colonel,  in  others  as  general.  As  I  was 
a  child  during  the  war  it  was  quite  embarrassing 
to  be  called  general  or  colonel.  Often  bills  would 
cover  the  whole  side  of  a  barn,  advertising  to 
speak  with  me  fifteen  or  twenty  of  the  most  cele- 
brated men  in  the  nation  ;  United  States  Senators, 
Members  of  Congress  and  renowned  orators,  but 
there  was  no  disappointment  or  surprise,  for  it 
seemed  to  be  generally  understood  that  I  would 
be  the  only  speaker  present.  The  National  Com- 
mittee dubbed  me  colonel  in  making  my  appoint- 
ments, but  in  many  parts  of  Indiana  this  title 
was  not  large  enough  to  satisfy.  The  political 
strife  in  Indiana  is  generally  free  from  bitterness. 
A  great  rally  is  much  like  a  Fourth  of  July  cele- 
bration. The  people  get  together  to  have  a  good 
time,  and  they  have  it.  They  are  good-natured 
and  intelligent.    In  every  precinct  there  are  some 


86         TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER. 

who  have  nothing  to  sell  except  on  election  day, 
and  then  they  look  for  the  highest  bidder.  I  was 
told  by  a  candidate  for  Congress  that  in  one  lo- 
cality in  his  district  it  was  ascertained  by  polling 
the  votes  the  year  before  that  the  number  of 
"floaters"  were  about  equally  divided,  and  to  save 
money  it  was  agreed  that  neither  party  should 
buy  any  of  them.  He  said  the  floaters  perched, 
themselves  on  fences  and  lounged  around  the 
polls  all  day  until  the  polls  closed  at  night  for 
propositions  that  never  came,  swearing  they 
would  not  vote  unless  paid  for  it,  and  they  went 
home  without  voting.  I  had  no  small  meetings 
or  defective  advertisements  in  Indiana.  There 
were  great  crowds  and  congratulations  every- 
where; uniformed  processions,  miles  in  length 
by  day,  thousands  marching  in  torchlight  proces- 
sions and  other  fireworks  by  night.  Every  sen- 
tence was  punctuated  by  cheers. 


TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER.         87 


CHAPTER  XIV. 

BEN    HARRISON. 

On  Saturday  evening  I  arrived  at  Indianapo- 
lis. The  city  was  illuminated  by  great  flaring 
natural  gas  torches.  Delegations  were  coming 
in  and  going  out.  Bands  were  playing  and 
crowds  were  hurrahing.  The  tall  business  and 
office  blocks  were  decorated  from  bottom  to 
top  with  the  pictures  of  Harrison  and  Cleve- 
land hung  in  the  windows.  Political  meetings 
were  in  progress  in  many  places.  It  was  hub- 
bub and  hullaballoo  everywhere.  The  Denison 
House  was  the  rallying  center  of  the  Republican 
Party.  United  States  Senators,  Members  of 
Congress  and  noted  campaign  orators  were  hur- 
rying in  and  out.  The  Chairman  of  the  State 
Central  Committee  was  harder  to  see  than  a 
Chinese  mandarin.  He  had  divided  his  labors 
wuth  a  score  of  lieutenants  who  were  receiving 
and  sending  stacks  of  telegrams.  Hundreds  of 
speakers  from  abroad  were  tramping  the  State. 


88  TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER. 

Thousands  of  local  speakers  were  working  their 
wind  instruments  in  as  many  localities.  The 
sinews  of  war  were  drawn  from  a  main  tap  root 
running  to  New  York  and  a  myriad  of  small  ones 
running  into  every  part  of  the  State.  The  State 
Committee  was  the  collecting  and  distributing 
point.  It  was  a  tremendous  machine  which  ran 
all  night  and  stopped  not  for  the  Sabbath.  The 
question  raised  everywhere  was  which  shall  it  be, 
Ben  or  Grover?  Irish  speakers  were  haranguing 
the  Irish  to  the  tune  of  "Wearing  of  the  Green." 
Dutch  speakers  were  enthusing  the  Dutch  to  the 
tune  of  "The  Watch  on  the  Rhine."  Campaign 
documents  were  flying  like  v/aste  paper.  "You 
must  go  and  call  on  Ben,"  said  the  chairman  of 
the  committee  on  speakers,  addressing  me  and 
another  gentleman  who  had  been  on  the  stimip 
eleven  weeks.  "If  you  will  do  so  I  will  get  you 
an  invitation."  He  did  as  he  said  and  we  went. 
In  a  plain  wooden  house,  shaped  like  a  large  box, 
situated  on  a  back  street,  we  found  the  little  man 
about  whom  the  people  were  making  so  much 
noise. 

"General  Harrison,  this  is  Mr.  Wilcox,  of 
Iowa,  a  candidate  for  Presidential  elector,"  said 
my  companion  as  he  introduced  me.    "I  am  glad 


TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER.  89 

to  see  you,  General,"  I  said.    "I  have  often  de- 
scribed you  to  large  audiences." 

"Indeed,"  said  he.  "Many  people  are  talking 
and  writing  about  me  now.  Be  seated,  gentle- 
men, I  have  had  a  very  busy  time  lately,  so  many 
delegations  have  called  upon  me."  As  he  said 
this  he  humped  himself  down  on  his  shoulders 
in  a  big,  soft  chair. 

"General,  this  closes  my  eleventh  week  on  the 
stump  for  you,"  said  my  companion. 

"Indeed,"  said  he.  "By  the  way,  gentlemen, 
you  doubtless  noticed  the  address  I  delivered  to 
the  traveling  men  the  other  daj-.  In  it  you  will 
find  many  valuable  suggestions.  The  New  York 
papers  commented  on  it  favorably,  and  I  believe 
I  will  say  some  more  on  that  subject." 

"Yes,  General,  it  is  a  very  good  speech,"  I  said. 
"I  heard  it  very  favorably  spoken  of  where  I 
have  been.  I  left  home  five  weeks  ago  and  have 
since  been  on  the  stump  in  much  of  Iowa  and 
Indiana." 

"Indeed!"  he  again  ejaculated.  "Let  me  ask 
you,  gentlemen,  if  you  noticed  my  address  on 
protecting  the  negroes  in  the  South.  Many  ad- 
vised me  to  avoid  that  question,  but  it  seemed  to 
me  worthy  of  serious  conside-ration,  so  I  opened 


90  TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER. 

up  on  it  and  it  has  given  the  country  the  keynote 
of  the  campaign." 

We  admitted  that  we  had  read  the  address  re- 
ferred to  and  I  said:  "General,  I  had  a  nice 
meeting  at  Rockville  yesterday." 

"Indeed !"  he  exclaimed.  "That  is  where  I  had 
my  celebrated  debate  with  Dan  Vorhees;  you 
doubtless  have  become  familiar  with  its  history." 

"They  are  making  great  preparations  for  my 
meeting  at  Dana,  Monday,"  I  said. 

"Indeed!  That  is  where  I  often  go  hunting," 
said  he.  "I  suppose  you  have  read  about  my  last 
hunt  there."  Thus  the  conversation  proceeded. 
The  little  man  was  self-conscious  to  an  extraor- 
dinary degree.  He  insisted  in  talking  about  him- 
self all  the  time  when  we  wanted  to  talk  about 
ourselves.  We  tried  frequently  to  sidetrack  him, 
but  all  in  vain.  He  took  no  interest  in  anything 
that  either  of  us  had  done  or  was  going  to  do, 
but  with  a  simple  ejaculation  of  "Indeed!"  he 
would  gather  back  onto  himself  as  the  subject 
to  which  his  mind  clung  with  such  loving  tenac- 
ity. During  an  hour's  conversation  he  did  not 
ask  us  where  we  came  from,  or  whither  we  were 
going.  He  was  not  curious  to  learn  what  we  had 
seen  or  what  we  proposed  to  do.  He  did  not  in- 
quire when  we  came  to  town  or  when  we  would 


TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER.         91 

leave,  or  whether  we  were  married  or  single.  He 
asked  no  questions  in  relation  to  friends  of  his 
anywhere.  He  did  not  offer  us  anything  to  eat, 
drink  or  smoke,  nor  did  he  introduce  us  to  his 
wife  or  children.  The  whole  time  until  we  left 
was  spent  by  him  in  a  profuse  consideration  of 
himself.  His  manner  was  a  mixture  of  dignity 
and  exhaustion.  There  was  a  little  of  the  stage- 
struck  in  his  actions  that  indicated  he  consid- 
ered himself  on  exhibition  and  as  furnishing  the 
whole  show.  Wiien  we  arose  he  extended  his 
little,  cold  hand  and  said,  "Good  evening,  gentle- 
men." He  did  not  saj',  "H  I  am  elected  and  you 
come  to  Washington,  come  and  see  me." 

"I  feel  chilly,"  said  my  companion,  as  we 
walked  out  into  the  darkness.  "I  wish  I  had 
stayed  away." 

"Is  it  possible,"  said  I,  "he  is  the  man  I  have 
been  describing  to  large  audiences  as  standing 
among  the  wounded  and  dying,  with  tears  in  his 
eyes,  binding  the  wounds  of  his  fallen  comrades?" 

My  companion  said,  "Why,  that  man  would  see 
his  neighbors  roasting  in  hell,  turn  his  back,  part 
his  coat-tails  and  warm  himself  by  the  flames." 

A  lady  at  Indianapolis  said,  "I  respect  General 
Harrison  very  highly.  He  is  a  member  of  the 
church  I  belong  to  and  I  hope  he  will  be  elected, 


92  TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER. 

but  when  he  passes  down  the  aisle  by  me  I  fed 

a  cold  chill  run  through  my  frame." 

An  old  friend  of  Harrison's  said,  "Ben  believes 
in  the  doctrine  of  foreordination.  He  has  for 
many  years  believed  he  was  destined  to  be  the 
President  of  the  United  States,  and  if  elected  he 
will  regard  it  as  the  fulfilment  of  the  Divine  plan 
and  not  the  result  of  any  labors  expended  by  his 
friends  in  his  behalf." 

I  confess  my  ardor  was  much  dampened  by  my 
visit,  yet  I  continued  to  talk  for  Harrison  and 
the  party  until  the  close  of  the  campaign.  I  was 
elected  Presidential  Elector  and  cast  my  vote  for 
him  for  President  and  thus  became  a  humble 
instrument  in  executing  what  he  believed  to  be 
the  Divine  Will. 

The  electoral  votes  were  counted,  Harrison  de- 
clared elected  and  in  due  time  Grover  handed  the 
harness  down  to  Ben  and  he  put  it  on. 

In  the  early  spring  following  the  great  cam- 
paign I  went  to  Washington  to  attend  the  Su- 
preme Court  of  the  United  States.  I  found  one 
of  my  associates  on  the  electoral  ticket  had  been 
appointed  a  commissioner  in  the  Land  Office,  an- 
other a  solicitor  of  the  Treasury  and  others  had 
been  named  for  a  foreign  appointment.  I  neither 
asked  nor  expected  anything,  except  that  common 


TRIALS  OF  A  STUMF  SFEAKER.         93 

courtesy    which    every    man    expects    from    his 
friends.     I  visited  the  tomb  of  the  Father  of  his 
Country  amid  the  peaceful  shades  of  Mount  Ver- 
non.    I  stood  at  the  base  of  his  monument  and 
followed  its  white  outlines  upward  until  its  lofty 
summit  was  lost  in   light.     I   stood  before  the 
statue  of  the  martyred  Lincoln  and  gazed  with 
tearful  eyes  upon  the  thrilling  impersonation  of 
the  Act  of  Emancipation.    1  beheld  with  rapture 
that  great  palace  of  marble  and  freestone  called 
the  Capitol  Building,  sitting  upon  a  gentle  hill, 
typifying  the  wealth,  majesty  and  stability  of  this 
great  nation.    I  entered  its  storied  halls  and  saw 
where  the  masters  of  art  had  chiseled  marble, 
moulded  in  enduring  brass  and  spread  on  canvas 
the  heroic  forms  and  brave  exploits  of  those  who 
have  made  this  nation  great.     I  entered  the  Su- 
preme Court  room  and  at  high  noon  beheld  the 
greatest  court  on  earth  sit  in  sombre  pomp.     I 
then  called  at  the  Presidential  Mansion  and  en- 
tered those  honored  portals  hallowed  by  the  resi- 
dence of  a  long  line  of  illustrious  men,  who  had 
here  toiled  in  shaping  the  destiny  of  the  greatest 
republic  the  earth  has  ever  seen.     All  that  im- 
agination can  picture  of  human  glory  was  there 
in  its  fulness,  and.  likewise,  Ben  was  there.     It 
was  the  occasion  of  his  afternoon  reception.    The 


94         TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER. 

doors  of  the  reception  room  were  thrown  open 
and  several  hundred  persons  from  all  parts  of  the 
nation  had  come  to  see  its  chief  magistrate.  When 
the  time  arrived  the  ghost  appeared.  He  stood 
on  one  side  of  the  aisle  looking  as  ghastly  as  an 
Egyptian  hieroglyphic.  The  half-moons  under 
his  eyes  were  in  their  last  quarter.  He  seemed 
the  impersonation  of  stately  distress,  moulded  in 
terra-cotta.  He  extended  his  clammy  hand  to 
the  person  nearest  him,  saying  as  he  did  so,  "Glad 
to  see  you,"  and  pushed  him  along  in  the  aisle 
which  led  out  of  the  building.  Then  followed, 
one  by  one,  the  persons  present.  Each  ap- 
proached and  seized  the  icy  appendage,  gave  it  a 
convulsive  shake  and  heard  the  same  assurance, 
"Glad  to  see  you,"  without  the  slightest  symp- 
toms of  glee  on  his  withered  features.  The 
President  continued  the  operation,  saying,  as  he 
wagged  his  right  extremity,  "Glad  to  see  you! 
Glad  to  see  you!  Glad  to  see  you!"  etc.,  evi- 
dently bored  exceedingly.  I  waited  until  the  last. 
Finally  I  led  up  the  rear  and  reached  eagerly  for 
his  frosty  palm.  Without  the  slightest  show  of 
recognition  he  said,  "Glad  to  see  you." 

"General,"  I  said,  "don't  you  remember  me? 
I  stumped  Indiana  for  you.  My  name  is  Wilcox." 

"Indeed,"  said  he,  and  then  looking  as  though 


TRIALS  OP  A  STUMP  SPEAKER.  95 

he  was  very  much  bored,  he  repeated,  "I  am  glad 
to  see  you,"  ])ushed  me  along  toward  the  exit, 
through  which  I  disappeared.  Ever  since,  when 
I  have  tried  to  hurrah  for  Ben,  I  have  been 
afflicted  with  a  spasm  of  the  epiglottis. 


96  TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER- 


CHAPTER  XV. 


POLITICAL   ORATORY. 


If  the  mighty  Demosthenes  should  return  to 
earth  and  take  part  in  a  Presidential  campaign, 
if  the  great  Greek  should  become  as  expert  in 
the  English  language  as  he  was  in  the  tongue  of 
the  Athenians,  if  he  should  deliver  an  oration  in 
the  behalf  of  a  Presidential  candidate  equal  to 
his  great  address  upon  the  "Crown,"  wherein  he 
so  ably  defended  himself,  routed  his  adversaries 
and  won  eternal  fame,  I  do  not  believe  he  could 
hold  an  audience  unless  the  doors  were  locked. 

If  Rome's  greatest  master  of  rhetoric,  Marcus 
Tullius  Cicero,  should  attempt  the  like  feat  he 
would  probably  claim  some  attention  while  bast- 
ing his  opponents  and  holding  them  on  the  spit, 
but  before  he  had  finished  it  is  likely  that  his 
yawning  audience  would  vote  him  an  intolerable 
bore.  If  Daniel  Webster,  whose  commemorative 
addresses  have  no  equals  in  the  annals  of  man- 
kind, should  stand  again  on  Bunker  Hill,  and 
with    careful    deliberation    unfurl    his    majestic 


TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER.         97 

periods  for  the  edification  of  the  common  people 
on  the  subject  of  politics  it  is  probable  that  his 
peroration  would  fall  upon  the  backs  of  a  fleeing 
audience. 

The  classic  rules  for  cutting  and  fitting  ideas 
and  working  majestic  climaxes  are  found  inade- 
quate on  the  stump.  There  are  no  more  rules  in 
political  oratory  than  there  are  in  a  dog  fight. 
So  many  elements  enter  in  producing  the  efifect 
that  anything  like  a  system  becomes  impracti- 
cable. The  address  which  goes  like  a  rocket  be- 
fore one  audience  and  finishes  with  a  shower  of 
stars  will,  before  another,  fail  utterly.  Nor  will 
the  same  kind  of  an  address  please  the  same  audi- 
ence equally  well  at  all  times.  The  weather  has  a 
queer  effect.  After  a  bright  day  filled  with  en- 
thusiasm, marching  clubs,  crowds  hurrahing  and 
brass  music,  followed  by  a  display  of  fireworks 
in  the  early  evening,  the  stumper  is  greeted  with 
an  immense  audience  who  have  worn  themselves 
to  exhaustion  and  his  jokes  and  funny  stories 
which  were  v.out  to  create  great  emotion  become 
as  flat  as  stale  beer.  His  rip-roaring  appeals  to 
patriotism  and  his  graphic  descriptions  of  thrill- 
ing events  in  the  country's  history  fizzle  away  in 
hot,  stuflfy  air  without  awakening  any  response, 
and  just  when  he  expects  to  secure  the  triumph 
of  his  life,  he  meets  with  the  least  appreciation. 


98         TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER. 

On  another  da\-,  when  a  drizzHng  rain  has  soaked 
all  the  fine  feathers  and  regalia  intended  to  blaze 
in  the  street  parade,  when  all  outdoor  demonstra- 
tions have  necessarily  been  abandoned  and  a  few 
hundred  disappointed  and  sick  at  heart  have 
trudged  through  the  mud  and  filth  to  listen  to  the 
address,  when  the  orator  has  had  the  blues  all 
day  and  vainly  hoped  that  the  shower  would  stop 
and  believed  it  an  unfavorable  omen  and  wished 
that  so  few  would  attend  that  the  meeting  would 
be  abandoned,  yet  in  a  half-hearted  way  he  tries 
to  speak,  it  is  then  he  may  find  that  the  meeting 
turns  out  to  be  the  most  delightful  one  in  the 
campaign.  At  the  slightest  excuse  the  audience 
becomes  convulsed  with  glee,  all  jokes  and  sto- 
ries go  like  wild-fire,  and  his  hearers  pass  from 
mirth  to  tears  in  response  to  the  sentiments  in 
his  address  as  readily  as  a  good  instrument  an- 
swers to  the  touch  of  the  master  musician.  When 
he  has  finished  they  cluster  around  him  with  an 
enthusiasm  that  knows  no  bounds  and  makes 
him  feel  that  he  has  covered  himself  with  glory. 
This  is  due  to  human  nature,  which  soon  tires 
of  any  mood  and  quickly  goes  from  one  extreme 
to  the  other.  The  rain  had  bottled  up  all  enthusi- 
asm during  the  day  and  when  the  time  for  the 
evening  address  came  it  was  suddenly  imcorked. 
Notwithstanding  these  uncertain  causes  that 


TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER.         99 

contribute  to  success  or  failure  on  the  stump, 
there  are  other  points  which  ought  to  be  taken 
into   consideration   to   make   a    successful   cam- 
paigner.    It  is  important  that   his  countenance 
be  ilhimed  by  a  kind  smile  so  that  he  may  appear 
to  enjoy  himself  while  speaking;  that  he  pass 
rapidly   from  one  emotion  to  another ;  that  his 
imagination  gallop  like  a  wild  horse ;  his  mind  be 
in  that  condition  where  it  sees  everything  in  big 
figures  and  clear  outlines  ;  that  he  possess  a  capac- 
ity for  mimicry,  and  perpetrate  frequent  surprises 
by  his  rapid  transition  from  the  grave  to  the  gaj', 
from  the  serious  to  the  burlesque.    There  should 
be  a  certain   framework   in   his   address   which 
holds  it  together.     There  are  points  which  can 
never  be  omitted  with  satisfaction.    He  must  put 
angel  wings  on  his  candidate  and  horns,  hoofs 
and  claws  upon  the  candidate  of  the  opposition ; 
he  niust  represent  himself  as  being  entirely  free 
from  bias  or  self-interest  and  swear  profusely 
that  his  party  is  the  nation's  only  hope.    He  must 
catalogue   and   highly   color   all   the   customary 
charges    of    misfeasance    and    bad    faith    made 
against  the  leaders  of  the  opposition.     He  must 
glorify  and  decorate  with  garlands  of  flowers  the 
prominent  names  that  his  party  b.as  kept  upon 
the  payroll.     He  cannot  safely  conclude  without 
referring  to  the  ling,  and  in  the  name  of  his  coun- 


100       TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER. 

try's  martyrs  exhort  his  hearers  to  come  to  the 
"Lord's  side,"  and  help  overthrow  the  emissaries 
of  Satan,  who  are  plotting  by  fraud  to  wrest  the 
country's  management  from  the  hands  of  patriots 
and  make  it  the  prey  of  designing  scoundrels. 
No  voice  sounds  sweeter  to  the  partisan  who  has 
reached  the  last  stage  of  political  madness  than 
a  charge  of  calumny  against  his  political  ene- 
mies. Like  heavenly  music  in  his  eager  ears  is 
the  assurance  that  in  his  candidates  are  found  all 
the  graces  and  virtues  combined  in  the  richest 
profusion.  But  more  important  than  either  man- 
ner or  matter  is  a  voice  like  a  fog-horn  that  may 
be  heard  plainly  by  acres  of  people.  The  follow- 
ing will  illustrate : 

During  this  campaign  of  which  I  write,  the 
National  Committee  assigned  to  the  State  of 
Indiana  for  one  week  a  young  lawyer  from  Iowa, 
whose  fame  as  a  political  orator  had  not  ex- 
tended beyond  the  domain  of  his  own  State.  It 
was  with  much  hesitation  that  the  Indiana  State 
Committee  accepted  the  appointment,  and  for 
fear  that  it  might  prove  disastrous  on  account  of 
the  weakness  and  incompetency  of  the  speaker,  it 
assigned  a  former  partner  of  Benjamin  Harrison 
to  speak  at  the  same  appointments  and  save  the 
meetings.  The  gentleman  so  assigned  by  the 
State  Committee  had,  by  wide  experience  as  an 


TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER.       loi 

editor,  lawyer  and  political  debater,  become  a 
master  of  refined  and  classic  English,  His  ven- 
erable presence  and  psalm-like  countenance,  and 
his  intimate  relation  with  the  candidate  made  his 
words  sound  like  oracles  and  his  sentences  seem 
as  if  they  were  verified  by  an  affidavit.  It  was 
in  the  shadow  of  this  colossal  figure  that  the  un- 
known boyish  campaigner  was  to  stand,  Ihe 
young  man  had  lungs,  and  this  is  the  way  he 
came  out  in  the  contest: 

At  the  first  meeting  held  in  the  afternoon  the 
lowan  made  the  first  speech,  and  the  large  audi- 
ence in  the  open  air  grew  larger  every  moment, 
as  his  voice  echoed  down  the  streets  and  alleys  of 
the  little  city.     Men,  women  and  children,  even 
dogs  gathered  from  all  directions  to  the  spot,  and 
they  were  held   until  the  close  of  his  address. 
When  he  had  finished  the  gentleman  sent  by  the 
State  Committe  to  speak  with  him  began,  in  slow, 
measured  and  soft  accents,  reeling  off  his  musical 
cadences  like  the  unwinding  of  a  spool  of  silk. 
It  was  difficult  for  any  but  those  close  to  the 
platform  to  hear  or  understand  him.    In  less  than 
ten  minutes  the  great  audience  dissipated,  ex- 
cept a  scattered  few.     This  was  humiliating  to 
the  orator  of  wide  renown.     The  next  meeting 
being  in  the  Opera  House  in  another  town  that 
evening,  he  concluded  that  he  would  speak  first. 


102        TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER. 

I>ilany  of  those  who  had  been  at  the  first  meeting 
were  present  at  this  meeting,  it  being  customary 
at  that  time  for  some  to  follow  the  speaker  to 
the  next  appointment.  When  the  audience  saw 
that  the  old  gentleman  was  to  speak  first  they  ap- 
peared to  be  disappointed.  He  had  not  proceeded 
farther  than  to  state  what  he  claimed  were  the 
issues  of  the  campaign  when  cries  came  from 
diflferent  parts  of  the  audience  loudly  calling  for 
the  young  man  to  speak.  So  persistent  were 
these  that  the  young  speaker  had  to  take  the  stage 
and  assure  the  audience  that  his  colleague  was 
about  to  deliver  a  great  address  and  that  he 
would  not  talk  until  that  address  had  been  given. 
Then  the  old  gentleman  was  permitted  to  pro- 
ceed. The  crowd  settled  back  in  their  scats  as 
if  disgusted,  and  soon  began  to  straggle  out  of 
the  hall.  The  speaker  leisurely  proceeded  speak- 
ing his  piece  in  tones  like  the  still,  small  voice  of 
conscience  until  he  finished,  and  then  the  cries  for 
the  boy  were  furious.  He  stepped  forth  like  a 
conquering  hero,  and  when  his  clear,  strong  ac- 
cents filled  all  the  hall  with  its  powerful  tones  it 
seemed  to  the  before-weary  listeners  as  if  an 
archangel  had  come  to  deliver  a  Divine  message. 
Soon  the  half-emptied  hall  filled  again.  Hun- 
dreds crowded  into  the  aisles  and  on  the  stair- 
ways ;  every  sentence  was  punctuated  with  thun- 


TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER.        103 

derous  applause.  When  the  address  was  fin- 
ished, liundreds  ruslied  to  the  stage,  shook  his 
hand  and  expressed  their  great  dehght  and  ad- 
miration. Old  soldiers,  with  tears  in  their  eyes, 
nearly  cracked  his  fingers  with  their  powerful 
grasps.  Old  ladies  and  children  stood  around, 
smiling,  anxious  to  get  a  touch  of  the  hand  or 
even  a  glance  from  the  speaker.  Meanwhile,  the 
venerable  old  gentleman  with  the  small  voice 
stood  off  at  one  side,  alone,  neglected  by  every- 
body. He  appeared  dejected.  His  presence  was 
entirely  overlooked  by  the  committee,  and  had 
it  not  been  for  the  fact  that  the  young  man  went 
out  and  gathered  him  in  he  might  have  been  lost 
in  the  shuffle. 

When  the  two  speakers  retired  to  the  hotel  that 
night,  the  old  gentleman  took  the  bo}-  to  one  side 
and  said:  "I  am  going  home;  I  don't  think  you 
need  my  assistance.  I  will  tell  the  National  Com- 
mittee to  assign  you  to  Indiana  until  the  close  of 
the  campaign." 

This  incident  shows  the  importance  of  a  strong 
voice  on  the  hustings,  and  how  a  young  man 
without  reputation  can,  with  his  breath,  blow 
away  the  old  campaigner  of  great  experience  and 
wide  renown  who  lacks  the  great  essential,  a 
powerful  voice. 


104       TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER. 


CHAPTER  XVI. 


DANGEROUS  PRACTICES. 


To  avoid  making  a  positive  assertion,  some 
speakers  present  their  views  by  interrogatories 
propounded  to  the  audience^  Instead  of  affirm- 
ing this  or  that  to  be  true,  they  ask  questions,  not 
expecting  that  anybody  in  the  audience  will  an- 
swer. Occasionally  they  are  startled  and  suffer 
great  annoyance  by  getting  one. 

Once  a  renowned  speaker  for  the  Democratic 
Party,  familiarly  known  as  Bill  Allen,  was  de- 
livering an  address  in  a  grove  near  Cedar  Rapids, 
Iowa.  This  was  many  years  ago,  when  the 
Democrats  controlled  the  politics  of  that  State. 
The  young  Republican  Party  had  attained  a  con- 
siderable growth  and  was  then,  as  now,  the  prin- 
cipal opponent.  Mr.  Allen  began  wnth  the  incep- 
tion of  the  Republican  Party  and  painted  many 
of  its  acts  in  the  blackest  dyes.  He  lampooned 
its  organizers  and  promoters  as  the  vilest  of  the 
vile.    After  having  exhausted  himself  on  this  in- 


TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER.       105 

exhaustible  subject  he  began  to  interrogate  the 
audience.  "Is  there  a  RepubHcan  here?"  he 
asked,  contemptuously.  "If  in  all  this  vast  audi- 
ence there  be  one  Republican  I  would  like  to  ask 
him  how  he  feels  when  he  looks  at  this  record. 
How  mean  and  contemptible  and  low-lived  he 
must  feel !  I  repeat  the  question  :  'Is  there  a  Re- 
publican here?'  "  An  old  man,  stoop-shouldered, 
with  thin  face,  long  nose  and  small,  squeaky 
voice,  standing  near  the  speaker's  platform, 
whined  out:  "Yes,  I  am  a  Republican."  "What!" 
exclaimed  Allen,  "you  a  Republican  !  My  God ! 
Tell  us  how  you  feel !"  The  old  man  squeaked 
out:  "I  feel  like  a  kernel  of  wheat  in  a  half- 
bushel  of  chaff!"  As  a  matter  of  fact,  a  large 
part  of  the  audience  were  Republicans,  and  the 
old  gentleman's  reply  produced  such  an  outburst 
of  long-continued  applause  that  it  greatly  con- 
fused the  orator  and  abbreviated  his  speech. 

QUESTIONS   FROM    TPIE   AUDIENCE. 

A  Stumper  always  incurs  some  risk  when  he 
permits  persons  in  his  audience  to  ask  questions. 
Especially  is  this  so  when  he  has  engaged  in 
ridiculing    his    opponents.      The    audience    then 


I06        TRIALS   OP  A  STUMP  SPEAKER. 

takes  delig-1-it  in  seeing  the  speaker  struck  with 
one  of  his  own  weapons. 

When  Horace  Bois  of  Waterloo,  Iowa,  was  a 
candidate  for  re-clecticn  to  the  office  of  Governor 
on  the  Democratic  ticket,  he  was  severely  criti- 
cised by  the  Republican  press  for  a  speech  he  had 
made  in  Xew  York  wherein  he  asserted  that  it 
was  unprofitable  to  raise  corn  in  Iowa.  This 
was  called  slandering  the  State,  and  some  con- 
sidered it  a  great  blunder.  A  leading  Republican 
speaker  told  his  audience  that  while  at  Des 
Moines  he  vi^-iled  the  State  Fair  and  found  on 
exhibition  llic  largest  display  of  fine  stock  he 
had  ever  witnessed.  '  All  the  animals  were  well- 
fed,  sleek  and  happy,  except  one.  This  was  a 
large  donkey  v.hose  long  ears  Vv'erc  drooping  and 
big  tears  were  rolling  from  his  large  eyes.  The 
speaker  said  he  wf>ndered  at  so  much  anguish  and 
begged  the  noble  animal  to  confide  in  him  the 
cause.  The  donke}  said  :  "I  have  been  on  exhibi- 
tion at  ever}-  State  Fair  in  Iowa  for  the  last  five 
years  and  have  always  taken  the  prize  as  the  big- 
gest jackass  in  Iowa,  and  now  Bois  has  beat  me." 
This  provoked  much  laughter  and  the  speaker  felt 
he  had  scored  a  great  hit,  when  a  Democrat  arose 
and  said:  "I  would  like  to  ask  the  speaker  if 
he  was  on  exhibition  at  this  Fair?"     "Certainlv 


TRIALS   or  ,1  STl'MP  SPEAKER.        to; 

not,"  was  the  reply.  "That  explains  it,  then," 
said  the  Democrat.  "You  had  bcttry  try  for  the 
prize  next  time."  Such  was  the  applause  that 
followed  this  remark'  that  it  is  probable  the  jack- 
ass argument  was  never  used  again. 


"swinging  the  bloody  .shirt." 


When  Grovcr  Cleveland  was  first  nominated 
President,  the  Republican  press  charged  him  with 
lack  of  patriotism  because  he  had  been  drafted 
and  hired  a  substitute.  The  young  orators  on 
the  stump  indulged  in  what  was  then  a  favorite 
theme  called  "swinging  the  bloody  shirt."  At  a 
joint  discussion,  a  Republican  speaker,  who  at 
the  time  of  the  war  was  too  young  for  military 
service,  charge  that  Mr.  Cleveland  was  either  a 
coward  or  a  traitor  because  he  had  not  enlisted. 
His  Democratic  opponent,  who  had  himself  seen 
some  military  service,  made  the  following  refer- 
ence to  his  Republican  adversary :  "Ladies  and 
gentlemen,  you  must  have  greatl\-  enjoyed  the 
warlike  address  of  my  brave  opponent.  Perhaps 
you  arc  not  fairiiliar  with  his  militar\-  record. 
It  is  true  that  at  tlie  time  of  the  great  unpleas- 
antness thi?  bloodthirsty  gentleman  was  in  arms 
(laughter).    He  was  a  member  of  the  infant  n'." 


I08       TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER. 

(Great  applause.)  The  speaker  then  took  his 
handkerchief  and  folding  it  in  the  form  of  a  clout 
held  it  up  by  the  corners  and  said :  "And  this, 
ladies  and  gentlemen,  is  the  kind  of  regimentals 
that  he  wore,"  The  applause  was  terrific,  and 
when  the  noise  had  subsided  the  Democratic  ora- 
tor said :  "My  friend  belongs  to  that  class  of 
warriors  who  enlisted  just  after  the  last  rebel  had 
laid  down  his  arms,  and  will  never  surrender  as 
long  as  peace  endures." 

A    QUEER  DEBATE. 

An  ambitious  young  Republican,  wishing  to 
make  a  great  name  for  himself,  challenged  Henry 
Clay  Dean,  a  gruff  old  Democratic  war-horse  of 
wide  renown  as  an  orator,  to  hold  a  joint  discus- 
sion with  him,  offering  to  give  Dean  the  right 
of  opening  and  closing  the  debate.  A  great  audi- 
ence, largely  Republicans,  gathered  to  hear  the 
contest.  In  an  opening  address  of  an  hour  in 
length  Dean  made  a  telling  argument  for  the 
Democratic  Party,  then  picking  up  his  hat  he 
stated:  "That's  all  I  care  to  say.  If  you  want  to 
stay  and  listen  to  this  fool  you  may  do  so.  I  am 
going  home."  Then  he  left  the  hall  and  the 
Democrats  in  the  audience  followed  him. 


TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER.        109 


CHAPTER  XVII. 

EFFECT  ON  THE  STUMPER. 

My  first  ambition  was  to  be  President  of  the 
United  States.  Later,  the  job  of  ringmaster  with 
a  country  circus  would  have  satisfied  me.  When 
I  first  attended  a  political  meeting  my  soul  was 
torn  with  envy  at  the  sight  of  the  stumper  stand- 
ing in  the  glare  of  the  footlights  before  a  large 
audience  who  had  spasms  of  delight  in  their  ad- 
miration for  him.  The  hope  that  I  might  some 
time  become  one  almost  burst  the  buttons  on  my 
vest.  I  was  sure  that  heaven  would  then  begin. 
In  my  exhilaration  I  overlooked  the  stinking 
breath  which  made  great  Caesar  faint.  I  knew 
not  that  a  crowd  could  become  as  troublesome  as 
a  swarm  of  flies  or  mosquitoes.  Nor  did  I  know 
that  the  vociferous  applause  which  sounds  so 
sweet  to  the  beginner  would  ultimately  jar  the 
nerves  and  make  the  head  ache.  Xor  did  I  dream 
that  the  palaver  used  to  soft-soap  the  novice 
would   finallv    become    rancid.      Tliat   the    cock 


no       TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER. 

icatlier  of  political  glory  would  become  badly 
stained  with  fumes  from  kerosene  torches.  That 
the  red  fire  covering  the  heavens  with  crimson 
would  soon  fade  and  leave  a  nasty  smudge,  and 
that  the  courted  and  coddled  orator  with  the  "sil- 
ver tongue"  would,  after  the  votes  were  polled, 
be  dropped  as  a  discarded  remnant  of  a  faded 
pageant  to  nurse  a  campaign  legacy  in  the  form 
of  bronchitis.  Fame  is  always  fleeting.  It  is  but 
breath  or  vapor.  Like  the  song  that  has  been 
sung  it  becomes  a  reminiscence.  No  other  kind 
of  a  reputation  is  so  short  in  duration  and  so 
worthless  while  it  lasts  as  that  acquired  on  the 
stump.  In  the  same  town  where  vast  multitudes 
yelled  themselves  into  tonsilitis  in  my  honor,  three 
moons  afterwards  any  tramp  could  have  used  my 
name  as  an  alias  and  passed  unchallenged.  The 
very  people  who  did  the  yelling  would  probably 
have  refused  to  trust  me  for  a  week's  board.  The 
stumper's  employment  keeps  him  constantly  on 
the  rack.  There  is  not  a  moment  when  he  is  at 
ease.  If  all  circumstances  unite  in  his  favor  he 
may  have  short  paroxysms  of  pleasure,  but  they 
are  but  forerunners  of  painful  disappointments. 
Soon  he  becomes  weary  of  the  brass  bands,  the 
formal  greetings,  the  perfunctory  conversations, 
the  noisy  crowds  and  finally  of  his  own  voice. 


TRIALS  or  A  STUMP  SPEAKER.        m 

The  jokes  and  stories  once  so  bright  and  funny 
by  frequent  repetition  seera  so  old  and  tottering 
that  he  feels  ashamed  to  drag  them  out  again  and 
make  them  stand  for  another  laugh.  The  full, 
round  periods  which  he  matched  and  polished 
with  such  tender  care  and  made  his  bosom  thrill, 
have  lost  their  power  and  now  make  his  lungs 
acb.c  and  his  tliroat  raw  to  launch  them  forth. 
And  lastly,  wlien  he  returns  to  his  native  city, 
thinking  he  has  cut  a  wide  swath  across  the  con- 
tinent and  painted  a  new  aurora  borealis  in  the 
heavens,  he  is  surprised  to  find  that  even  his 
nearest  neighbors  do  not  know  that  he  was  out  of 
town.  The  orator  who  was  the  sole  speaker  when 
ten  United  States  Senators  and  Alembers  of  Con- 
gress were  advertised,  must  now  go  before  a 
justice  of  tlie  peace  and  try  a  law-suit  for  five 
dollars.  As  he  sits  on  his  stool  at  the  lunch- 
counter,  eating  his  five-cent  bowl  of  bread  and 
milk,  he  thinks  of  the  days  when  all  the  luxuries 
of  the  earth  were  set  before  him  and  he  wonders 
where  now  are  the  prominent  citizens  whose  at- 
tentions were  so  profuse  as  to  destroy  his 
appetite. 

Considered  as  a  question  of  personal  gain,  po- 
litical workers  have  the  heaviest  and  most  un- 
profitable  burdens,   and   the  stumper   holds   the 


112       TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER. 

charred  end  of  the  stick;  but  viewed  from  the 
point  of  patriotic  service  he  is  a  pin-feather  on  the 
great  American  Eagle,  and  is  entitled  to  be  re- 
garded as  a  part  of  the  plumage  of  that  glorious 
bird.  From  his  breath  is  distilled  the  oil  that 
lubricates  the  political  machine,  and  whatsoever 
there  be  of  worth  in  the  popular  government  is 
partly  due  to  him. 


TRIALS.  OR  A  STUMP^  SPEAKER.       113 


CHAPTER  XVIII. 

VALUE  OF  stumper's  SERVICES. 

We  cannot  estimate  the  value  of  the  services 
of  a  stumper  without  inspecting  that  fictitious 
organism  known  as  a  poHtical  party.     We  must 
first  ascertain  the  elements  that  enter  into  its 
composition  and  their   relations   to   each   other. 
The  only  permanent  thing  about  such  an  institu- 
tion is  its  name,  yet  the  popular  opinion  is,  that  a 
political  party  is  an  immortal  being  which  lived 
in  the  days  of  Thomas  Jefferson  and  will  con- 
tinue its  identity  through  generations  of  poster- 
ity.   When  the  sun  shall  grow  dim  with  age  and 
burn  low  in  its  socket  and  the  earth  shall  turn 
to  a  frozen  globe  and  Gabriel  shall  appear  in  the 
clouds  to  summon  the  quick  and  the  dead,  there 
will  doubtless  be  some  sitting  on  the  icebergs  and 
shivering   and    demanding    front    seats   because 
they  belonged  either  to  the  party  of  Thomas  Jef- 
ferson or  Abraham  Lincoln.    This  popular  no- 
tion of  the  identity  of  the  political  party  is  easily 


114       TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER. 

shown  to  be  false.  The  men  who  compose  such 
an  organization  are  ever  changing,  as  the  drops 
of  water  in  a  river.  Like  the  flowing  stream 
which  is  sometimes  clear  and  sometimes  muddy, 
depending  upon  the  environment,  so  the  political 
party  may  at  times  be  animated  by  lofty  emo- 
tions and  noble  aspirations  and  at  others  be  stag- 
nant and  putrid  and  reek  with  corruption.  And 
this  environment  greatly  changes  as  the  years  go 

There  is  a  kind  of  skeleton  or  framework  about 
which  the  masses  who  follow  the  name  of  the  po- 
litical party  cluster.  This  is  composed  of  an 
aggregation  of  persons  who  make  politics  a  busi- 
ness, either  directly  or  indirectly.  From  its  heart 
in  the  city  of  New  York  to  its  toes  out  in  the 
wilds  of  the  West,  the  blood  of  the  political  being 
is  circulated  by  fellows  whose  sole  inspiration  is 
the  hope  of  reaching  the  public  crib.  From  the 
impecunious  cultivator  of  a  patch  of  desert  who 
would  like  to  carry  the  mail,  get  a  post-office  or 
be  elected  road  supervisor,  to  the  rnaster  of  mil- 
lions who  would  form  a  s}'ndicate  to  purchase 
government  bonds  or  issue  national  currency  or 
finance  a  government  contract,  there  is  an  infinite 
variety  of  chaps,  little  and  big,  who  hope  for 
special  power  and  privilege  and  seek  these  for 


TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER.        115 

the  purpose  of  plunder.  Closely  allied  with  such 
are  the  great  interests  which  we  call  the  press, 
ranging  from  the  mighty  metropolitan  daily  with 
its  vast  circulation  and  over-shadowing  influence 
to  the  little  country  weekly,  with  its  few  hundred 
subscribers,  depending  upon  the  county  printing 
for  its  existence.  Between  these  extremes  are  a 
legion  of  newspapers,  journals  and  periodicals 
whose  life  blood  is  the  pap  that  is  extracted 
through  the  agency  of  the  political  machine  These 
allied  interests  are  bribed  by  their  positions  to  per- 
petuate the  name  and  organization  of  the  party, 
and  usually  experience  no  serious  difficulty  in  fol- 
lowing and  supporting  the  ticket  and  advocating 
die  creed  adopted  by  the  convention,  however 
frequently  it  may  be  changed.  This  aggregation 
really  constitute  the  party,  although  they  cast  but 
a  small  portion  of  the  votes  polled  for  its  candi- 
dates. There  is  another  element  of  great  im- 
portance which  is  not  properly  a  part  of  the  po- 
litical party  itself,  for  it  has  nothing  to  say  in 
its  management  and  receives  no  profit  from  its 
successes.  I  refer  to  those  who  vote  as  their 
fathers  voted,  asking  no  questions  and  giving  no 
reasons,  and  stiffen  with  pride  as  they  announce 
that  they  never  scratch  the  ticket.  These  should 
be  inventoried  as  the  chattels  of  the  organization, 


Il6       TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER. 

who,  like  any  dead  weight,  can  be  pushed  around 
and  managed  to  suit  the  purpose  of  the  party. 
P'or  these  no  brass  bands  are  hired,  no  public 
meetings  are  held,  no  arguments  are  necessary, 
for,  like  loaded  dice,  they  can  always  be  relied 
upon  to  fall  the  same  side  up.     There  is,  how- 
ever, a  class  of  people  every  year  becoming  more 
numerous  who  do  not  expect  to  be  benefited  di- 
rectly by  the  triumphs  of  any  party,  nor  do  they 
expect  to  get  offices  for  themselves  or  for  their 
dependant   relatives   or    friends.     They   do   not 
recognize  the  claims  of  any  political  master,  and 
go  silently  to  the  polls  and  vote  as  their  con- 
science dictates.  It  is  such  who  disturb  the  dreams 
of  the  politician.     How  to  harvest  their  votes 
when  they  are  needed  is  the  conundrum  with 
which  he  struggles.    As  a  bait,  platforms  are  con- 
structed and  reconstructed,  filled  with  specious 
promises  and  sounding  phrases.    To  reach  them, 
newspapers  are  filled  with  partisan  editorials,  and 
special  pleas,  urging  support  for  the  ticket.  Many 
of  these  seldom  read  these  editorials  and  cannot 
be  reached  except  through  the  agency  of  politi- 
cal rallies.    To  get  ready  for  the  autumn  election, 
the  political  manager  begins  in  the  spring.    When 
he  commences,  the  party  spirit  is  at  a  low  ebb  and 
must  be  worked  up  in  behalf  of  the  ticket.    To 


TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER.       117 

accomplish  this,  the  old  reliable  political  moss- 
backs  are  wakened  from  their  winter's  slumber 
and  galvanized  into  action.    They  are  pushed  out 
to  carry  banners,  torches  and  fill  the  air  with  po- 
litical language.    Along  with  these,  as  a  sort  of 
mouthpiece,  trots  the  stumper.    In  a  few  months, 
what  was  at  first  a  lot  of  sluggards  approaching  a 
comatose  state,  becomes  an  aggregation  of  ex- 
cited political  madmen,  who  call  their  opponents 
the  vilest  names  and  accuse  them  of  the  most  in- 
famous crimes,  and  by  their  ferment  and  frenzy 
stir  up  that  body  of  voters  who  paid  but  slight  at- 
tention to  the  press.    These  gradually  are  drawn 
into  the  maelstrom  of  agitation  and  listen  to  the 
eflfervescence  of  the  stumper.    He,  surrounded  by 
a  large  coterie  ready  to  applaud  all  his  utter- 
ances, is  glorified  by  the  press  who  expects  to 
profit  by  his  success,  is  provided  with  music  from 
glee  clubs  and  brass  bands,  is  made  the  center  of 
attraction  in  a  great  audience,  and  thus  has  an 
opportunity,  by  appealing  to  every  emotion  and 
making  all  kinds  of  assertions,  to  greatly  affect 
the  minds  of  the  independent  voter.     Sometimes 
he  can  raise  such  a  storm  as  to  tear  from  its 
moorings  an  old  hulk  that  the  opposite  party  sup- 
posed was  safely  anchored  in  its  back  bay.     T 
know  one  case  where  a  persistent  stumper  by  an 


Il8       TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER. 

argument  of  an  hour  and  three-quarters  got  every 
voter,  except  two,  in  the  audience  of  one  hundred 
and  fifty,  to  join  a  pohtical  club  in  his  favor. 
When  he  began  there  were  but  four  in  the  audi- 
ence that  agreed  with  him  poHtically.  The  prac- 
ticed butcher  knows  just  where  the  thrust  will 
cut  the  vital  vein,  and  the  skilful  stumper  knows 
exactly  what  to  say  to  touch  the  voters'  hearts. 
He  always  has  the  satisfaction  of  knowing  that 
if  he  fails  to  win  votes  from  the  opposition  and 
does  not  change  the  position  of  the  independent 
voter,  he  has,  nevertheless,  in  some  degree  intensi- 
fied the  zeal  of  his  political  friends. 

Turn  loose  upon  a  country  township  a  practical 
political  stumper  who  has  a  reputation  sufficient 
to  draw  an  audience  and  he  will  be  able  in  a  few 
meetings  to  change  its  political  complexion  if 
the  political  forces  were  nearly  equally  divided, 
when  he  began.  I  have  known  several  instances, 
where,  by  sheer  force  of  oratory,  the  majority 
of  thousands  in  the  congressional  district  have 
been  changed  to  a  minority  by  the  efforts  of  one 
man  against  the  united  opposition  of  money  and 
newspapers  circulated  through  the  whole  district. 

Never  before  in  the  world's  history  has  there 
been  so  great  an  opportunity  for  a  man  with 
strong  lungs  and  rapid  utterance  to  win  politi- 


TRIALS  OF  A  STUMF  SFEAKER.       119 

cal  power.  The  political  manager  who  fails  to 
take  into  account  the  necessity  o£  training  and 
maintaining  an  efficient  corps  of  stumpers  must 
sooner  or  later  lose  by  his  mistake.  As  the  years 
pass  by  the  numbers  of  independent  voters  in- 
crease, and  the  necessity  for  stump  speakers  be- 
comes greater.  Increased  intelligence  will  improve 
the  qualities  of  the  arguments  and  appeals  made 
from  the  stump,  but  the  time  will  never  come 
when  the  spoken  word,  having  behind  it  a  zeal- 
ous and  powerful  personality,  will  not  strike 
deeper  into  the  human  heart  than  any  printed 
communication,  even  though  the  letters  are  as 
large  as  the  side  of  a  bani. 


I20       TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER. 


CHAPTER  XIX. 


THE  SURVIVAL. 


If  some  political  Rip  Van  Winkle  should 
awaken  from  a  twenty  years'  slumber  he  would 
be  startled  by  many  of  the  changes  which  have 
occurred  in  the  political  world.  He  would  see 
the  republic  made  an  empire,  the  "Dollar  of  our 
Daddies"  turned  to  gold,  the  President  an  arbiter 
of  nations,  the  world's  financial  center  moved 
from  London  to  New  York.  He  would  behold 
the  young  giant  of  the  Western  world  become  a 
veritable  colossus,  whose  shadow  falls  athwart 
the  main,  and  fills  the  earth  with  wonder.  But  he 
would  miss  many  familiar  voices  so  often  heard 
upon  the  stump,  whose  glowing  words  have  ech- 
oed around  the  globe ;  Conkling,  the  courtly ;  In- 
galls,  the  severe ;  Blaine,  the  magnetic ;  Sherman, 
the  profound ;  Ben  Butler,  the  majestic ;  Ingersoll, 
the  entrancing;  McKinley,  the  convincing;  Tom 
Reed,  the  sarcastic,  and  many  other  mighty  ones 
garnered  in  death's  harvest.  Campaigns  have 
come  and  gone ;  parties  have  triumphed  and  have 


TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER.       12 1 
met  defeat;  the  assassin's  hand  has  nulUfied  the 
freeman's  vote;  the  car  of  progress  moved  by 
leaps  and  bounds  till  commerce,  the  mighty  Ajax 
of  the  modern  world,  has  harnessed   lightning 
for  his  pack-horse  and  made  it  his  errand  boy. 
New  issues  have  filled  the  land  with  ferment  and 
subsided  like  the  uneasy  sea.  Heroes  have  climbed 
to  towering  heights  and  fallen  low  again.     Sys- 
tems have  been  shaken,  old  land-marks  wiped 
away,  the  Constitution's  meaning  stretched,  the 
pillars  of  the  nation  moved  to  find  a  larger  basis 
for  expansive  growth.    But  in  the  shifting  sands 
of    change   and   time,    like    some   vast   pyramid 
about  whose  base  the  desert  drifts  and  on  whose 
lofty  peak  the  lightnings  play,  undaunted  and  un- 
shaken stands  the  eternal  interrogation  point — 
the  tariff  question. 

When  the  republic  was  an  infant,  and  Wash- 
ington was  in  his  prime,  it  presented  its  puzzle 
to  the  young  nation.  When  the  new  Jerusalem 
shall  come  down  to  earth  it  will  doubtless  inter- 
rupt great  crowds  engaged  in  its  discussion.  One 
of  the  first  conundrums  presented  to  the  new  mu- 
nicipality will  be  whether  the  tariff  is  a  tax  or  a 
benefaction;  whether  it  is  donated  by  the  pro- 
ducer or  paid  by  the  consumer ;  whether  it  stimu- 
lates infant  industry  or  fosters  trusts,  or  is  the 


122       TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER. 
author  of  all  our  blessings  or  of  all  our  woes. 
The  saints  and  citizens  of  the  Celestial  City  will 
doubtless  employ  the  same  old  stock  arguments 
that  have  rung  their  changes  down  the  centuries. 
The  devouring  ivy  may  destroy  the  granite  tower, 
sand  storms  may  grind  and  mar  the  pyramids, 
earthquakes  shatter  the  proudest  temple,  volca- 
noes unseat  the  firmest  cliff,  but  so  far  no  power, 
natural  or  artificial,  has  been  able  to  deprive  this 
mighty  problem  of  any  of  its  original  freshness. 
Eighteen    years    have    quickly    passed    since 
grasping  eagerly  my  yellow  grip  I  started  for  the 
train  to  speak  for  Harrison,  and  seventeen  years 
have  flown  since  I  began  the  writing  of  this  book. 
Our  leader  in  that  strife  has  been  translated  from 
the  highest  peak  of  earthly  fame  to  that  bright 
world  where  fondest  hopes  now  tend,  leaving  be- 
hind a  trail  of  heavenly  light  to  lure  the  nations 
upward.    His  strongest  aides  have  finished  noble 
courses    and    our    grateful    land    their   honored 
names  and  relics  guards  with  reverential  love. 
Where  now  are  all  the  poisoned  shafts  that  flew 
so  thick  about  them?    Gone,  with  the  bitterness 
that  gave  them  wing,  and  time  has  placed  a  halo 
around  the  heads  that  then  were  marks  for  slan- 
der.    Like  a  gnarled  and  rugged  oak  that  stub- 
bornly resists  the  storms  of  time,  the  Democratic 


TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER.  123 
champion  still  survives  and  claims  respect  from 
those  who  most  defamed  him.  Before  a  century 
has  gone  mayhap  he  who  won  and  he  who  lost 
shall  count  as  equals  in  the  nation's  shrine  and 
there  alike  be  reverenced.  Such  is  the  havoc  time 
often  plays  with  all  the  dreams  of  men. 

To  this  great  contest  I  bestowed  my 
mite,  in  favor  of  the  party  of  my  choice, 
and  like  the  dew  which  gives  the  ocean 
all  it  has,  was  swallowed  up  and  lost.  I 
do  not  now  repine,  for  fate  has  dealt  most 
kindly  with  me.  In  the  soft  air  of  sweet  oblivion 
I  have  enjoyed  repose  that  office-seekers  never 
know.  The  swiftly  passing  years  have  fallen 
lightly  on  me,  and  now  at  fifty  I  look  back  and 
smile  on  all  the  anxious  cares  that  then  I  felt.  As 
now  again  T  turn  the  leaflets  of  my  manuscripts  I 
see  the  traces  of  a  vanished  hand  and  I  hear  again 
the  merry  laugh  that  often  rang  so  clear  while 
were  set  down  the  words  that  there  are  written. 
A  pang  of  sorrow  mingles  with  my  mirth  and  I 
must  give  it  place.  I  dare  not  count  the  graves 
of  buried  hopes,  nor  note  the  havoc  that  the  years 
have  wrought.  The  earth  is  in  its  place.  All 
stars  will  hold  their  course.  Firm  and  secure  the 
nation  stands  and  guards  alike  the  tombs  of  those 
who  gave  it  birth  and  those  whose  works  pre- 


124       TRIALS  OF  A  STUMP  SPEAKER. 

served  it.  Among  the  multitudes  who  pass  upon 
the  stage  and  like  the  flying  swallows  flutter  by, 
I,  too,  have  had  my  little  say  and  thus  have 
served  my  time  as  best  I  might.  As  I  look  back 
along  the  vista  of  the  years  I  cannot  say  that  if 
some  power  would  resurrect  the  past  and  place 
again  upon  the  boards  the  most  forgotten  play 
of  1888,  that  I  would  be  a  player,  or  if  this  little 
book  I  finish  now  instead  were  just  begun  that  it 
would  reach  the  finish.  The  hustling  vigor  of  my 
manhood's  prime  now  sees  the  slanting  rays  of 
afternoon  and  gives  less  time  for  trifles.  But  what 
I  have  written  now  shall  stand.  To  me  it  seems 
a  jolly  tale,  full  of  mistakes  and  mirth-provoking 
scenes,  such  as  may  cheer  an  idle  hour  and  still 
give  some  instruction.  As  such  I  finish  it  and 
send  it  forth  to  sink  or  float,  as  pleases  those  who 
read.  The  gay  may  laugh  and  credit  me  with 
wit,  the  solemn  frown  and  hold  me  much  to 
blame;  the  critic  pierce  each  fancy  with  his  pen 
and  write  me  down  a  fool.  All  this  I  can  endure. 
The  grass  will  grow  as  green  upon  my  grave. 
But  heaven  forfend  that  these,  my  wavering  lines, 
shall  ever  meet  that  dense,  unmitigated  ass,  that 
stupid,  mournful,  addle-pated  imbecile,  who  shall, 
with  solemn  visage,  sadly  ask  if  all  my  tales  be 
true. 


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